I'm Barely Holding On
by Aecoris
Summary: What if Dean never came for Sam in Pilot? Sam graduated from Stanford without hearing a word from Dean. Sam's starting out his new normal life when he runs into Dean who's now a homeless drunk and on the brink of starvation. Can Sam help save Dean?
1. I Am Here Still Waiting

_This is just a little introduction type thing to the story to set things up! Don't worry the other chapters will be longer than this! Let me know if you guys are interested in this storyline and if you think I should continue it! Thanks!!_

_The chapters and the name of this story are based on the lyrics to the Lifehouse song 'Broken'.  
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Sam Winchester was coming back from an evening with his girlfriend Ashley. He still wasn't so sure if this girl was right for him. She was the first girl he decided to date after Jess died. He remembered that day like it was yesterday. Coming back from a night with his friends to find his apartment in flames, Jess was inside. By the time the firemen had arrived it was too late.

Sam shook his head to try to clear himself from the thoughts. It had been over a year now but he still missed Jess like crazy. He was sure he was going to marry her…

It was tough after Jess died and he almost left Stanford. The only thing stopping him from doing that was the fact he had no one to go to. He hadn't seen his father or Dean since he left for Stanford. He hadn't spoken to Dean in more that two years and he hadn't spoken to his father at all. He missed them, Dean especially but by now he was used to life without them. But that didn't stop him from wishing that Dean would come and visit or at least call, be a part of his life again. He couldn't help but be a little worried for him after not hearing from him in so long. He had tried to get a hold of Dean lately but had found out his cell had been shut off.

Sam just bought a new bigger apartment and graduated from Stanford a little over a month ago. He had been accepted into their law school program for next fall. Ashley lived in another city nearby and in order to get there he had to drive through a rather crappy dump of a city. He hated driving through this part because it was so unsafe and where a lot of gangs hung out.

While stuck at a light Sam glanced out his window into an alley. He shivered when he saw three big men who looked to be park of a gang walk down the alley. Those guys always gave him the creeps. He then watched as the men approached a homeless man sitting in the alley. Sam's eyes widened as the men began to punch him. After a few punches they pulled out a gun.

Sam didn't know what it was that made him intervene. He could have just stayed in his car, nice and safe and not having to worry about getting involved. But he could not just sit there and watch someone get killed by these thugs. He turned his car and drove into the alley, making the gang members jump and drop the man they were holding at gunpoint.

Sam grabbed a gun that he kept in his car just in case. (Some aspects of a hunter never changed) He got out of his car and pointed it at the men while holding his cell up in the other hand.

"Leave now or I'm calling the cops. Make a move towards him and I'll shoot you." Sam said, referring to the homeless man the now lay huddled on the ground.

"Come on man, he's just a drunk and he stole our alcohol. We just wanted to get it back. Don't do anything stupid." One of the guys told him in a slightly shaking voice

"Maybe you guys shouldn't be out terrorizing the town. A little alcohol isn't something to kill over. Now go before I call the police." Sam growled, his tone meaning business.

"Okay! Okay! We're going!" The guy said and put his hands up. He motioned for his buddies to follow him and they took off down the alley.

Sam sighed and put his gun away. So much for tough guys. He turned on his little pocket flashlight and bent down to see if the homeless guy was alright. He flinched when he saw a small puddle of blood around the guy's head. He should go to a hospital.

"Come on buddy, I'm going to get you to a hospital okay?" Sam told the guy and tried to get him to turn over to see where the blood was coming from.

The guy only moaned and curled into himself. Sam saw how his hands tightened around a bottle of alcohol he was hugging to his chest. Yeah, he was a drunk alright.

Sam sighed again and turned the guy over on his own, not ready for the shock he was about to receive.

One look at the guys face and Sam knew who he was. Even through the long hair and facial hair, through the dirt and the grime, the skinny face…Sam knew who this was in an instant. There was no mistaking those green eyes.

Sam tried even his breathing as he nearly fell backwards from shock.

"Dean??" He questioned in a small voice, his whole body trembling.

Dean looked up at him and his green, hazy and unfocused eyes met Sam's alert hazel ones. He smiled drunkenly. "Well waddaya know?" He slurred, his head swaying as if lifting it up was too much effort. "Ya did come back for me 'ammy!"

And Sam just sat there, starring at his drunken brother in shock.

Yes, he had wanted his brother back but never like this.


	2. Though I Still Have My Doubts

_So glad so many people are interested in this fic! I have lots of brotherly angst in store for this story! Not to mention Dean'__s struggles with his addiction and the mystery of what happened to Dean while Sam was gone at college! Hope you like this chapter!_

_And I'm sorry that I won't be able to reply to your reviews. I have this very weird virus and I'm getting these virus e-mails and it says that I'm sending them to myself which I'm not!! My dad thinks it's the virus that's doing this and told me not to stop e-mails coming from other sites in case they are creating the virus. Even though I'm sure it's not this site, I'm disabling the e-mial alerts just in case! I'm so sorry but I read all of your reviews and take in everything you have to say! I'm going to try to find another way to reply to your reviews even if it's through private messaging! Thanks for understanding and I hope you'll enjoy this chapter!_

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_**And I can still remember what his face looked like, when I found him in an alley in the middle of the night. -Nickelback, Just to Get High**  
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Sam couldn't believe he'd found Dean like this-drunk, homeless, beaten and filthy in a alley. He had wanted to see his brother again so bad but seeing him like this just broke his heart. What in the world could have happened for Dean to end up like this?

Dean looked up at Sam, blood dripping from the side of his head. "Was a'matter 'ammy? Gonna leave me 'gain?" He snorted

Sam shook his head quickly, not wanting Dean to get the wrong idea. "No Dean. I'm not going to leave you again okay? I'm going to take you back to my place okay?"

Dean just laughed heartlessly and shook his head, like he didn't believe a word Sam just said. "Whate'er ya say 'ammy." He slurred

"Come on Dean, I'm going to get you up." Sam told him and helped him up. Dean swayed dangerously on his feet and Sam had to steady him with both of his hands just to keep him upright. God…how far gone was Dean??

Dean seemed too busy trying to keep a hold of the bottle of rather expensive whiskey in his hands that he wasn't concentrating on trying to walk at all. His legs seemed to drag behind him and his feet shuffled around, causing him to trip repeatedly.

Dean didn't say a word as Sam helped him into his car, just opened his bottle of whiskey and took a long swig. Sam stared at him, amazed. Dean was already so wasted and yet he was somehow still drinking and conscious. How much more alcohol could his body take before he passed out?

Sam didn't know if he should try to take the whiskey away. He finally decided that it would hurt to try.

Well, he was wrong.

Sam reached out for the bottle and grabbed it, he tried to pull it away and Dean noticed that someone was trying to take his alcohol away and panicked. He lashed out, striking Sam right in the face with a punch to the face. He squirmed as far away from Sam that he could go, clutching the bottle to his chest tightly.

Sam didn't know how to react to this outbreak. Luckily he was saved from saying anything when Dean spoke up.

"S'rry 'ammy." His words jumbled together but his eyes seemed more coherent as he realized that he'd just punched his brother.

"It's okay…just…you shouldn't drink anymore Dean." Sam told him, strugling to stay calm

Dean shook his head. "Like you care." He mumbled and turned away, taking another swig of his whiskey.

"Dean, I do care. Why do you think I don't?" Sam asked him, but Dean just kept drinking his whiskey and aimlessly staring out the window.

Sam sighed and started the car. A million questions were going through his mind. How did Dean end up like this? Where was Dean's beloved Impala? Why hadn't Dean just hustled pool for money? And most importantly, where the hell was their father? Why hadn't he helped Dean or looked out for him?

They arrived at Sam's apartment and Sam didn't know if he should be relieved or worried that Dean had passed out cold. Sam sighed and took the bottle of whiskey which was now shockingly empty away from Dean and threw it on the ground. He then walked over the the passenger side and was ready for the tough task of carrying Dean inside.

However Sam was stunned when he could pick up Dean no problem. He could also feel his ribs through his shirt. How much weight had Dean lost?

Sam hurried inside his ground floor apartment and brought Dean straight to the bathroom. His brother reeked this horrid rotten smell. His beard and long hair were so ratted and dirty, Sam had to shave him.

So Sam took up the duty of shaving Dean's beard of, giving him a much needed hair cut, and bathing him. All the while Dean somehow still remained knocked out.

When Sam got Dean in the tub he could not believe just how skinny Dean was. He looked emaciated, like a walking skeleton. Dean must seriously be on the brink of starvation.

Sam held back tears and he washed over Dean's too-prominent ribs. He found scars and bruises that weren't there before. They could have been from anything, a hunt, from people beating him, or simply from an accident. And Sam was here in his perfect little world, never there to help him.

Sam gently washed Dean's face and cleaned out the wound that was on his head. With all the hair and grime gone all of Dean's freckles came out. They stood out so much against the pale gaunt skin of his brother. His freckles were splattered against his cheek bones that stuck out much too far. Sam had to get some food in Dean.

So after bathing Dean and dressing him in some of his own clothes Sam laid him in the guest room bed. Dean was shivering slightly and while it didn't get that cold in California at night in summer, Dean was so thin and it made him more of a victim to the cold. Sam tucked him in under a couple of blankets before running into the kitchen.

There Sam found some applesauce and he figured that he could get Dean to swallow it while he was out. Sam fed him several spoonfuls and helped him swallow them before Dean groaned in his sleep and flipped over, hiding his face from Sam.

Sam put the remaining applesauce on the nightstand. He knew he should get to bed, it had been an extremely long day. But he just couldn't bring himself to leave Dean's side.

He slumped down onto the ground next to Dean's bed and leaned against the wall. When he had left for college he had never expected Dean to end up like this. He was sure his indestructible brother would be just fine. He couldn't believe how wrong he was.

And the worst part was, he had helped in making Dean like this. There was no doubt in his mind that him leaving had been a factor in Dean being a homeless drunk. He let the tears fall freely as he remembered how lost and broken Dean had sounded when he first found him. How Dean believed that Sam didn't care about him. He wondered if his brother could ever be the man he once was again.

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The next thing Sam noticed was sunlight steaming through the window. It takes him a while to realize that he's in the guest room on the floor, and even longer to remember that he had found Dean last night.

Sam quickly stood up, ready to help Dean in any way he can. But as soon as he got up he saw that Dean's bed is empty and fear set in. He hurried into the living room in panic only to find Dean sitting on the couch, four empty beers on the ground and another one in his hand. Dean had rummaged through his fridge.

"Dean?" Sam called out and Dean jumped, turning to face Sam with shame on his face.

"Sorry for taking your beer. I just needed some alcohol so bad. I'll find a way to pay you back." Dean told him. He sounded more coherent which was good, and he wasn't drunk yet. But he just sounded so sad and it broke Sam's heart.

"It's okay." Sam told him "Just… Don't you think it's a little too early for that. You must have a hangover from last night."

Dean let out a short sad laugh as he took a couple gulps of his beer. "Though you'd realize from last night that your big brother is now an alcoholic. The alcohol in the morning helps with the hangover."

Sam had realized how much Dean was drinking. It's just he never thought of using the world alcoholic. It was such a horrible word that he never though of associating with his big brother. He never would have imagined it in his wildest dreams but here he is, staring at his alcoholic brother.

Sam should say something right now to help his brother. Or at least reassure him that he's there for him. But all Sam manages to say is "How about I get you something to eat."

Dean gives Sam this sad wounded look and it makes Sam want to cry. He needs to be there for his brother. But the truth is that they've been apart for so long living different lives that he doesn't know how to be Dean's brother anymore.

"I'm not hungry." Dean mumbled and drained his beer. He picked up the empty cans and looked at Sam. "Where do you want these?" He asked, looking extremely guilty for drinking Sam's beer.

"Dean don't worry about it." Sam waves it off

"I said, where do you want these." Dean says again, this time his voice rising. And Sam finds out that he still gives in to his big brother and tells him where to put the cans.

After putting the cans away Dean walked back into the living room, his head hung low. "I can't stay here." He mumbled

Sam glared at him. "Yes Dean, you can and you will."

"No, I can't live off of you like this." Dean shook his head and continued to stare at the ground

"Dean, it's fine. You're my brother. I want you here Dean, do you have any idea you much I missed you?" Sam asked him

"If you missed me you would've called." Dean said, anger coming into his tone, his fists clenching. "You don't give a fuck about me."

"Dean that's not true." Sam told him defensively, getting a little angry himself.

"Yes it is. You didn't even come looking for me at all, you just stumbled upon me. You probably just brought me here out of guilt, you don't want me here. You run away and don't even bother to call me, you get a new cell phone and don't give me the number. When I actually was able to find out the number and get a hold of you you told me you'd keep in touch and you never did. All these years of you living your perfect little life and you forget about your brother. Why should I believe in you now?" Dean growled, his face getting red.

"Dean, this life hasn't perfect, it's been far from perfect. You have no right to yell at me for not calling you when you never came and visited! You knew where I was, so how come you never came! So instead of seeing your brother you end up as a pathetic homeless man and an alcoholic. Wow, what a great big brother you are huh?" Sam winced as soon as the words left his mouth. He didn't mean them, he was just angry at Dean for blaming him when in truth it really was his fault.

Dean picked his head up and if looks could kill, Sam would be dead on the ground right now. "Fuck you." Dean spat, his whole frame shaking with anger. "You have no idea what I've been through." And with that he stormed out of the apartment, leaving Sam alone with all his guilt.


	3. I Am Damaged At Best

_Glad you guys like this story so much! Thanks for the wonderful reviews! There is much Dean/Sam angst and Dean depression to come! You'll also find out a bit of what happened to John…and the Impala! You won't believe it!!_

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_**'He started stealing, to supply the feeling.' **Just to Get High - Nickelback  
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Dean stormed out of Sam's fancy-boy apartment and hurried down the street as fast as his unsteady legs could carry him. Who did Sam think he was? Calling Dean such horrible things and mocking him? He had no idea what Dean had been through these past two years? Did Sam even care? Did Sam even miss him when he was gone?

_Yeah right. _Dean let out a snort with a shake of his head. Sammy didn't care about him anymore. Dean messed with Sam's idea of a perfect life. He didn't want to take care of his alcoholic brother; he had more important things to worry about. He knew that Sam was actually right, he was pathetic and homeless….but still Dean thought that the one person who would be there for him would be his brother. That Sam would still want to help him out a little bit if they were ever reunited.

Apparently he was wrong; Sam didn't want a thing to do with him. Sammy wasn't even Sammy anymore…he was just _Sam._

Dean should just leave, get as far away from Sam as possible, it didn't even seem to him that Sam was out looking for him. But still, Sam was his little brother and Dean needed to look out for him. That's why Dean 'moved' over to the Stanford area in the first place, so even while he got wasted he could check up on Sam now and then. See how he was doing. Even if Sam didn't care for him, Dean still cared for Sam and he wasn't leaving.

If Sam ended up finding him and wanting to take him back to his home (yeah right) there was no point in not going, he had no where else to go. And plus he'd be able to watch out for Sam better there. Maybe he could get Sam to like him again. He wouldn't get in the way, he'd stay locked up in the closet for all he cared…he…he just wanted some place to call home. He wanted his brother back.

Dean wiped away the tears forming in his eyes and he bit his lip. Man, his depression was just getting worse and worse….and even though he drank like six beers not too long ago; he needed a drink, lots of drinks….and bad.

Dean didn't have any money though….but he just needed a drink so bad. He looked around him carefully, hating what he was about to do next. But he didn't like as much of a homeless man as he did before, so people wouldn't come up to him and give him money. Alcohol was a necessity in his life now, and he was willing to do nearly anything for it.

He spotted a young woman searching through her purse rather quickly. He walked up beside her, pretending to trip and fell into her, knocking her contents of her purse on the ground. The woman was disoriented for a second and using quick reflexes Dean grabbed a fifty that had fallen out of her purse an hid it up his sleeve. He apologized and helped her pick everything else up.

This was the only skill Dean Winchester had left, and he sure wasn't proud of it.

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Sam waited a couple minutes and expected Dean to come walking right back through the door. He couldn't believe he just said those things to his own brother. While Dean might be homeless, he could never be pathetic in Sam's eyes. And Dean wasn't going to be homeless any longer, Sam was going to go grab him and bring him right back.

Sam grabbed his keys and hurried out of the apartment. He jumped into his car, silently wondering what had happened to the Impala. Had their father taken it? Where was he anyway?

Sam shook his head; he couldn't worry about the Impala or their father right now. He had Dean to worry about, and Dean was much more important.

Sam didn't have to look far to find Dean. He looked down the streets around the apartment quickly and didn't find Dean. That must mean that Dean was exactly where Sam though he'd be – at the bar.

Sam walked into the nearest bar. Dean had only been gone ten minutes tops; he couldn't be wasted yet, right?

Wrong.

Dean was sitting at the bar, drinking what looked to be his 6th shot glass, jabbing drunkenly to the bartender. He was the only one in the place. How in the world had Dean even gotten the money to pay for the alcohol?? Sam didn't want to know.

Sam appeared behind Dean and the bartender sighed in relief.

"You here for him?" He asked

"Yeah. I'm going to take him home." Sam told the guy.

Dean turned around to stare at Sam with alcohol-glazed eyes, drunk at ten o' clock in the morning. Was the bar even open this early?

"Home?" He said with a sneer. "That's funny Sam; I thought you just called me homeless not too long ago."

Okay, Dean didn't seem as far gone as Sam expected him to be. He must be so tolerant to alcohol now that it took much more to get him fully wasted. Sam cringed at the anger in Dean's tone but he deserved it.

"You're not homeless anymore Dean, come on. Sam said and hauled Dean up, he pushed him to the door but Dean wanted to turn back around.

"Want more." He moaned and tried to stumble back to the bar. Sam grabbed his arm though and tugged hard. He eventually got Dean to the car and the car ride back was deathly silent.

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Dean passed out on the couch as soon as they arrived back. Sam stared at the thing his brother had become and drew in a shaky breath. Sam knew he had to talk with Dean once he woke, and it wasn't going to be pretty.

Sam took the opportunity of Dean sleeping to clear his apartment of all alcohol. He hid everything he had in his topmost cupboard way in the back. He cleaned his whole apartment, looked for jobs, covered Dean in a blanket, went to find more clothes for Dean in his room and fixed the guest room up for Dean all before he woke up hours later.

It was Dean's groan that told Sam that he had awoken and Sam rushed in to see his brother holding his head with a grimace on his face. Sam grabbed a glass of water and some Tylenol and handed it to Dean. Dean took them without a word and drank the water with the pills eagerly.

Dean put the glass on the table next to him and then just sat there, still not looking at Sam in the eyes. Sam could tell he was extremely tense.

"Got anything with some alcohol in it?" Dean murmured.

"You've got to be kidding me Dean." Sam couldn't help the little bit of venom that seeped into his voice.

Dean glared back at Sam. "No, I'm not kidding Sam. I'm serious. I _need_ it. It's…it's…."

"It's what Dean? You just got drunk at ten in the morning Dean! And now you want more?!"

"I already told you I was an alcoholic!" Dean yelled now, but his tone was pleading. "I just need something…please…"

"No Dean." Sam said stubbornly

"Sam. Come on man. Please…please…" Dean's eyes were watering and his fists were clenched tightly. His whole skinny body was shaking and his sunken eyes kept jerking around wildly, as if he was unsure what to do with himself without alcohol in his system.

But that's not what killed Sam the most. What killed him was the fact that his big brother, his invincible, strong, independent big brother was pleading to him. Was _begging_ Sam to give him some alcohol. Dean never begged, never asked anyone for anything, and here he was breaking down right in front of Sam's face.

And Sam gave in. He couldn't be bear seeing his brother like that any longer.

"I'm just going to give you a beer. That's all I'll give you is beers okay?" Sam informed Dean and Dean just nodded wildly.

Sam grabbed a beer from his hiding spot and cracked it open. He handed it to Dean and Dean practically leapt off of the couch to grab it. He drank it greedily, like a man dying of thirst. Sam didn't know what was worse, watching Dean suffer from withdrawal, or watching him drink his life away.

The beer was gone within seconds but at least Dean seemed a little more coherent. Sam decided now was the best time to talk.

"Dean, I'm sorry. For what I said…I didn't mean it." Sam sighed

Dean's face changed instantly as he remembered what Sam had said to him. "Sure you don't." Dean grumbled.

"I didn't Dean. I was just mad at you thinking that I didn't care about you."

"Well you obviously don't."

"Dean!" Sam growled but when he saw his brother flinch he calmed down his voice. Geeze, he really did change these years at college, he needed to learn to respect his brother's feelings again. "What made you think I don't care?" He said more quietly.

"Well, let me think. Oh yeah! You left without saying goodbye to me and you never bothered to call me barely! What was it…only four times you called me all those years? And you always hung up right away!" Dean hissed

Sam had no idea that this had affected his brother so much. He didn't know what to say. "Dean…I didn't know…I…"

"Give me one good reason why you didn't call me." Dean's bottom lip was trembling now. No way was his brother of all people going to _cry. _God, Dean really was broken and lost. And it was Sam's fault.

Sam sat down to Dean on the couch and put his hand on Dean's knee. Dean flinched but didn't knock Sam's hand off. "The reason why I didn't call you is because I know I missed you so much."

Dean huffed. "That makes no sense Sam. If you miss someone, you talk to them."

"No Dean, let me finish." Sam took a deep breath before continuing. "I missed you so much Dean, you don't even know. The reason why I didn't say goodbye is because I knew it would be just too hard. I knew I wouldn't be able to do it. If I went to say goodbye I would just end up staying because I couldn't bear to leave you. That's why I was so distant towards you before I left; I thought it would make it easier in leaving."

Dean just sat there staring at the ground. His brother hadn't hated him when he left….still he wasn't ready to forgive Sam this easily. "Why didn't you call then?" He asked in a sad voice.

"Because those few times when I called, I couldn't take it. Just hearing your voice made me want to go find you and never come back. But I wanted this so badly. I…I couldn't talk to you because it made me miss you so much. It freaked me out how just talking to you made me want to leave Stanford. If I asked you to visit, I knew that I'd walk right out with you when I left." Sam explained "I'm sorry."

Hearing what Sam said actually made sense. But Dean wasn't going to accept Sam's apology just yet. He still was upset that Sam had left him out of the loop all these years.

"So you didn't forget about me?" He asked quietly.

"God Dean! No! You actually thought I did?" Sam asked in disbelief

Dean just shrugged "Wouldn't you think the same thing if your brother didn't call you for so long?"

"You're right." Sam said, finally admitting that he did wrong. "I was stupid, I'm sorry."

Dean just nodded and stared at the ground. God, he needed another drink.

"Dean? Where's Dad been all this time? And what about the Impala?" Sam asked suddenly

Dean sat there, unmoving. Sam wasn't sure he had heard but then he spoke up.

"I have no clue where the fuck he is. I haven't seen him in a year." He said with hatred in his voice that Sam had never heard before when Dean was talking about their father.

"He just upped and left?" Sam wasn't so surprised

"I…I couldn't find him for months. I almost got you to help me but I backed down at the last second. I…I finally found him and by then I was already into drinking, not as much as I am now but…." Dean swallowed

"But what Dean?" Sam pressed; he wanted his brother to know that he cared.

"He saw how I was and spazed out on me. He freaked and said I was useless now and he couldn't believe what I had become. He…he said he wouldn't need me anymore and I couldn't help hunt. Then he left." Dean told Sam with a shaky voice.

"He didn't even offer to help you!?" Sam had been furious with their father many times in the past but never this bad before. "You're his son and you were suffering from something. Instead of helping you get through it he leaves you? What'd he do take the Impala too??"

At them mention of the Impala Dean flinched. "No Sam." He said in barely a whisper. "I sold it."

"You…you what??" Sam thought he had just imagined hearing that. No way would his brother sell his beloved car.

"It was a couple of months ago and I was dieing for a drink so bad. I didn't have any money. Some guy offered me a couple hundred buck for my car and I…I just took him up on it right away! I wasn't even coherent Sam; I didn't know what was doing! All I know was someone was giving me money for a drink and I just grabbed the cash and ran to the bar. I really am pathetic." Dean was silently crying now, as if finally realizing what he had become with the alcohol.

"Dean…you're not…" But before Sam could comfort his big brother the doorbell rang. Both of them jumped and Sam wondered who was at the door. Then he remembered what he had told his girlfriend last night.

"Crap! I totally forgot I invited my girlfriend Ashley over today!" Sam groaned. He was just going to tell her today wasn't a good day and she could come over some other time.

"I'll get out of your way. I don't want to be an embarrassment. It'll be like I was never here." Dean said and started walking down the hallway into the guestroom. He said it in such a sad, rejected tone that it made Sam's heart break. He still thought Sam didn't want him around and thought of him as pathetic.

"Dean! Don't! Stay in here!" Sam called to him; He wanted his girlfriend to meet Dean even though he wasn't sure how she was going to react to him.

But Dean had already closed the door.


	4. Like You've Already Figured Out

Sam was stuck between answering the door to let Ashley in or to go get Dean from his room. He finally decided on just letting Ashley in. Dean might want some space.

Sam opened the door and Ashley stood there with a box of chocolates. Seriously, again? Sam thought that was pretty lame to bring chocolates every time she came over his apartment. It's like she was trying to suck up to him, like she was desperate.

But actually Sam was pretty desperate too. He wanted someone to love him like Jess did. Wanted someone toe care for him and care about him. If Jess would bring him gifts she'd bring him something she knew he liked or was interested in. She mixed it up and knew the stuff Sam liked. Ashley didn't know or really seemed to care about Sam's interests all that much.

Ashley wasn't his type of girl, but she liked him so he just took her up for the offer. Looking at Ashley's skimpy clothes Sam felt like he made a big mistake in dating this girl. But he couldn't just come across to tell her he wanted to break up, he missed having someone to care for him.

Ashley reached up to kiss him and then noticed his expression. "What's wrong honey bun?" She asked

Okay, _honey bun?? _You've got to be kidding! If Dean heard this Sam would never hear the end of it! And then he remembered that Dean was back, that he was in the apartment and his despair from Jess's death seemed not so harsh anymore.

Man, he really wished Dean had been there for the months following Jess's death. He could have really used the help his big brother would have been willing to give him.

"Sam? You okay?" Ashley asked as she played around with the collar on his shirt.

Sam pushed Ashley's hand away and sighed. "Yeah, I'm okay. I just forgot you were coming."

"You forgot I was coming?!" Ashley pouted and stomped her feet. She looked like a bratty child.

"Yeah. It's just…my brother came by the other day and he needed a place to stay for a while." Sam sort-of lied.

"Your brother? You mean the one who you haven't seen in four years? What's he doing stopping by now and asking you if he can stay here? After four years of not seeing you, you should have told the freak to get lost!" She said with a wave of her hand.

"Okay, first of all Ashley, don't judge people before you meet them. Dean's a great guy and it's my fault that we've had these four years apart, not his." Sam said in a warning tone. Who was she to call his brother a freak?

"Are you sure about that?" She huffed and cocked her hip to the side while putting her hands on her hips.

"Yes. I'm positive."

"Okay, well I just hope he won't get in the way with us." She giggled while running a finger down the side of Sam's face. God Sam wanted to puke.

"Actually Ashley it's really not a good time right now." Sam hoped Ashley would get the hint to leave when Sam told her his brother was here but apparently she didn't.

"Oh so you don't want me over then? Is that it?" She huffed

"No Ashley it's not that…" _Even though it sort of is. _"It's just…"

"Sammy?" Sam gratefully turned around to see Dean standing at the front of the hallway, looking horribly shaken up. Sam knew what Dean needed and while he didn't like it, he wasn't going to let his brother suffer right now.

* * *

Dean couldn't block out the look Sam's girlfriend was giving him. Her face held not only disgust but unbelief. Like she couldn't believe that her boyfriend's brother looked so bad. Not that he really blamed her; he probably did look like a creep.

Sam must have noticed the look that his girlfriend was giving him too because he kept looking back between Dean and Ashley. Finally Sam walked over to Dean and led him over to where Ashley was standing.

"Ashley, this is my brother Dean. Dean, this is my girlfriend Ashley."

"Hi, it's nice to meet you." Dean said quietly and held out his shaking hand to Ashley. Ashley glanced at Dean's hand briefly like it was contaminated and flinched away slightly. Dean noticed and lowered his head, hand still outstretched awkwardly.

Luckily Sam broke the silence and piped in "Anyone want a beer?" _Nice one Sammy._ Dean thought and smiled a little

"I don't want one." Ashley said while still looking at Dean like he had three heads.

Dean finally put his hand down and tried to control the shaking that happened when he was in need of alcohol. He really didn't want Sam's girlfriend find out about his alcoholism, even if he didn't like her. Ashley was still standing there, so Dean took a spot on the far side of the couch, waiting anxiously for Sam to return with the beer.

Sam returned into the living room and handed Dean his beer, which was warm, but it would do. Sam cracked one open for himself and sat next to Dean while looking up at Ashley.

"He…he's going to be in here too?" She said and pointed to Dean.

"Yes, there's nothing stopping him no is there?" Sam replied. And just then Dean went to stand up, Sam stopped him by grabbing his sleeve. "Where do you think you're going?" He asked Dean.

"I'll leave you two alone. Don't want to get in your way." Dean mumbled and took a long sip of his beer, wishing he had something a whole lot stronger right now.

"You're not getting in anyone's way Dean; this is your home too now. This gives you and Ashley a chance to get to know each other." Sam told his brother

Dean looked over at the slut who was now sitting on Sam's opposite side stroking his face, not even glancing at Dean. Yeah, like he really wants to get to know this freak.

But Dean kept his mouth shut and just simply nodded. He didn't want to start anything and he was in no place to anyway. Dean probably looked like he came out of a horror movie and she didn't want anything to do with him. But still…it made him feel even worse that she wouldn't even _try _to get to know him. He might have done some bad things and gotten himself into a tight spot in the last year or so but he really wasn't a bad guy. Or at least he hoped he wasn't.

Again there was awkward silence, Ashley wasn't making any attempt to say anything to him so Dean decided to break the silence.

"So uhhh…Ashley." He started and Ashley actually moved her eyes to look at Dean. It was a 'why in the world are you talking to me' look and Dean shifted his eyes away in shame but continued nonetheless. "Did you go to Stanford too?"

Dean looked back up briefly to see the smug look on Ashley's face. "Yes, a matter of fact I did. Where were you all these years while Sam was at college?" She grinned mischievously.

Dean couldn't believe the tone of voice this girl had used to him. All he did was start a normal friendly conversation and she's trying to hurt him on purpose! Dean felt himself shaking even more so stood up and walked to the kitchen where he drained his beer and grabbed another one. God, how much did he have to drink today? Six beers in the morning of binge drinking, about six more shots at the bar not much later, and now two more beers. And the day wasn't even over. He's surprised his liver hasn't failed on him yet.

While draining his second beer in the kitchen Dean hears Sam speak up.

"Ashley, this really isn't a good time right now. I just met up with my brother and we really need some time for just the two of us." He said somewhat impatiently.

"Oh, come on Sam, you can't take some time out for me?" She sighed and pouted.

"Ashley, we spend almost everyday together. Time off would actually be a really good thing right now. I need to spend time with my brother and help him…"

"Well yeah, help is one thing he needs. Your brother has some serious issues. What's with the constant shaking? He a drug addict or something?" She said and pushed her hair over her shoulder.

"Ashley, leave. Please. I'll call you when things settle down. And my brother is not a drug addict." Sam said, his tone leaving no room for discussion.

"Fine." She rolled her eyes. "Oh and I left my other coat in your bedroom last week." She said and when she didn't move to go get it and sighed and turned around to retrieve it.

Dean was grateful that this bitch was going to be gone soon. He grabbed yet another beer and inwardly sighed. What in the world was Sammy thing dating someone like this? He deserves so much better! Speaking of the devil, Dean turned around to come face to face with Ashley staring him down.

"I hope you plan on leaving here soon." She whispered harshly to him. "You're already ruining our relationship. Do your brother a favor and get out of our way. I don't need losers like you coming in and ruining everything that we have."

Before Dean could get over the shock of what Ashley had just said to him Sam came back into the room.

"There was no coat in there." He mumbled

"Oh, whoops! Silly me, I must have left it somewhere else!" She giggled and kissed Sam on the lips. "Call me later baby."

And with that she left Sam's apartment. Next time she stopped here that druggie or whatever he was better be gone. And if he wasn't she'd get rid of him her own way. Sam was all hers.

* * *

_Yeah, this girl is like a creepy stalker freak who way over obsesses and clings to Sam! I've actually seen girls like this in my school and they make me sick how they want their boyfriend all to themselves and no one else can so much talk to him! More Dean angst in the next chapter as Sam tries to figure out a way to best help Dean! And plus what Ashley said to Dean really hurt him and made him think even more less of himself! Hope you liked this chapter and crazy stalker will certainly make reappearances! Thanks for the awesome reviews!!_


	5. I'm Falling Apart

_Thanks for the reviews!! Just to let you know, things are going to get worse before the get better in this story! But that just means more angst! Hehe!_

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Sam breathed a sigh of relief and pinched the bridge of his nose, glad that Ashley was gone for now. He turned around to find Dean standing in the kitchen with his head down, another beer in his hand. Sam saw three other cans sitting on the kitchen table, god! Dean was going to get drunk two times in one day?! This had to stop!

"Dean, come on, gimme that beer. You've had enough." Sam sighed and held out his hand.

Dean looked up at Sam with a hurt and angry expression on his face. "No." He said stubbornly and took another sip.

"Dean, come on. You need to stop." Sam tried again

"You've been gone for four years Sam! I haven't seen you in four years. You didn't care about what I was up to then so why should you now??" He growled while draining the beer.

"How could you say I didn't care about you? I was worried sick about you!" Sam shouted, haven't they already had this conversation??

"Well then Sam, maybe you should have called."

"You know why I didn't call. I thought I explained this Dean!" Sam sighed

"Yeah, you did explain it. But that doesn't make it any easier." He said quietly now. He didn't want to fight with Sam but he wasn't going to get better by Sam taking the alcohol away. He needed more than that. He needed Sam to be there for him, to talk to him, to help him through this and be patient with him. Sam couldn't just take the alcohol away and expect Dean to be fine.

"Dean…how 'bout you go to bed huh?" Sam suggested, looking at Dean through worried eyes.

Dean sighed and slumped his shoulders in defeat. Sam wasn't going to help him out, just pretend like everything was going to be fine. Maybe Ashley was right, Sam just wanted to be with her. He didn't have time to deal with Dean and his problems. Accepting this, Dean turned and went into 'his' room.

* * *

Dean woke up and right away was met with the constant craving for alcohol that he desired so badly. It just kept getting worse and worse. Dean knew he shouldn't drink at seven in the morning, but right now the craving was calling and he had to answer. It's not like he had anyone to lean on when the cravings got bad…

He got out of the bed and made his way to the kitchen. He opened the cupboard where he found that Sam hid the beer to find it empty. He must have drank all of them…man, he really was far gone to have all twelve beers gone in less than twelve hours.

Sighing, Dean opened the fridge with shaky hands only to find that void of alcohol too. Dean started freaking out and his cravings just got ten times worse when he realized there was no alcohol around. Quickly, he started digging through Sam's cupboards madly, throwing pans and pots on the ground, not carrying if they broke…

"Dean! What the hell are you doing??"

Dean turned around to see a wide eyed Sam starring at the mess Dean had made, anger evident on his face.

"You think you can just go breaking all my stuff?? What the hell?! I know you're probably mad at me but Dean…"

"Sammy, please." Dean begged, catching Sam off guard. "Please, I need something, anything with alcohol. Just please…"

"You…you mean you drank all the beer already?" Sam asked, shocked and also a little disgusted.

"Last night. Oh, Sammy…please…" Dean had tears in his eyes now, his emaciated frame shivering so bad that it looked like he was convulsing.

"Dean, it's seven in the morning man!" Sam said unbelievably

"But…but I _need _it Sammy please…" Dean whined, he _actually whined._ What in the world happened to his big strong invincible brother? Sam also didn't fail to notice how Dean had gone back to calling him Sammy. He missed that and it almost worked, Sam almost gave in.

But he didn't.

"No Dean. I'm making you something to eat; you have no meat on your bones man." He refused to give in.

"I'm not eating." Dean replied in his shaky voice.

Sam looked up in disbelief. "Dean, you look like a freakin' skeleton! You have to eat something!"

"No, I'm not hungry." Dean growled. If he couldn't get his way then Sam wouldn' get his either.

"You've got to be hungry, look at you!" Sam yelled at the top of his lungs. Why couldn't Dean just listen??

"No. I'm not. I'm not eating anything. I'm going to the bar." He announced and made his way through the trashed kitchen and stomped to the door.

"Dean! Wait! Please wait!" Now it was Sam that was begging. He was shocked when Dean turned around. He may have changed so much but he was still going to be there when his brother called for him.

"I…I have some whiskey left over. I'll give you that but you gotta eat something Dean. You gotta promise me that." Sam bargained. This way he figured he could keep an eye out for how much Dean drank _and_ get him to eat.

Dean's mouth watered at the mention of whiskey and he nodded. Sam pulled out the bottle and gave it to Dean reluctantly. Dean took a few long swigs before he could finally breath evenly again. Before Dean knew it a bagel was getting shoved in his face.

"Eat it." Sam demanded, snatching the whiskey away "Or you won't get any more." He hated tempting Dean like this, but it was the only way.

Dean sighed, knowing that he had to eat or else he wouldn't get the whiskey, and that would end up in disaster. So he slowly took a couple bites of his bagel and had to force himself to swallow. Ugh, he just had no appetite for food anymore whatsoever, and that was saying something if you were Dean Winchester.

The phone ring and Dean looked up hopefully, hoping Sam would forget the whiskey and put it down. But sadly for him Sam kept the whiskey tightly clenched in one hand as he moved to grab the phone.

Sam answered the phone before checking the caller ID, he groaned when he realized it was Ashley on the other line wanting to hang out. He didn't need this right now.

"I really have to take care of my brother." He told her impatiently

"What's wrong with him anyway?" Sam didn't like the way she sounded but he didn't want to argue.

"He…he has a problem with alcohol."

"So he's an alcoholic?"

"Yeah…" Sam sighed, there was no use in hiding it. Ashley would have found out anyway.

"Why don't you just take him to some rehab hospital? It would save you the stress. Then he would have people to help him and you could relax. We would have time together again." She acted like she cared but little did Sam know that she just wanted Dean gone.

Rehab did sound like a good idea. But Sam would in no way be able to relax if Dean went there. He'd be worrying about him constantly. But Ashley was right, there was people there that knew what they were doing. They'd be able to help Dean better. "Maybe you're right…" He told her.

"See it will all be fine. Call me whenever you get him there and then we have some private time together." She giggled

"Yeah, sure." Sam said "Bye Ashley." Sam sighed as he hung up the phone and looked at Dean who had actually managed to eat half of his bagel. Better get this out in the open now.

"Dean. Umm that was Ashley and she actually had a good idea." He said slowly and watched as Dean looked up at him with a wary look on his face "I…I think you should go to rehab."

"What?" Dean didn't sound exactly displeased, but not happy either. He was hiding his emotions once again. But Sam knew that he was angry inside.

"They have people that can help you Dean. They can help you beat this." Sam told him, trying to sound cheerful.

Dean couldn't believe what he was hearing and he yelled back at Sam. "Haven't you understood anything Sam?! It won't help me! Don't you get it!? I don't need their help, I need…" Dean stopped as he let the unsaid words hang in the air: _I need your help Sammy._

"But Dean this drinking has to stop!" Sam cried as he pounded his fist against the counter.

"What if I don't want to stop?" Dean shot back.

Sam turned and all the anger was gone, the look he gave Dean was pure sadness. "You don't mean that do you?" He said quietly. "You don't want to get better?"

"Why should I want to get better Sam? Why should I want to stop?! Alcohol...it's all I have!" His voice going hoarse from yelling.

"Dean…you have me." Sam said in the quietest voice, looking at Dean for hope.

Dean shook his head and gave a bitter laugh. "No Sam, I don't."

And with that he walked up to the stunned Sam, snatched the whiskey out of his hand and headed back towards the bar.


	6. I'm Barely Breathing

_So sorry it took so long! I was toying with a few ideas but I decided to put them both in o make the story longer! One idea will be in the next chapter though! I wasn't lying when I said things would get worse before they get better! Oh and psycho-Ashley will make a big appearance next chapter, poor Dean! But Sam and Dean at least come to an understanding pretty much in this chapter. More will be revealed about what happened to Dean bit by bit throughout the story! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! Let me know what you think or what you would like to see!_

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The last thing Sam wanted at the moment was more stress. But the world wasn't being very kind to him at the moment. He couldn't find where Dean had gone to for the life of him and Ashley kept calling him non-stop, his cell ringing endlessly in his pocket.

Sam briefly wondered if he and his brother would ever have the same relationship they had before he went to college. But then he shook his head and tried to clear that from his mind. He and Dean _would_ get back to the way they used to be. He first had to get Dean off of the bottle.

Dean's words echoed throughout Sam's mind as he searched for him.

"_Haven't you understood anything Sam?! It won't help me! Don't you get it!? I don't need their help, I need…"_

"_Why should I want to get better Sam? Why should I want to stop?! Alcohol...it's all I have!"_

He remembered telling Dean that he was there for him and he remembered Dean's response as well.

"_Dean…you have me."_

"_No Sam, I don't."_

And then, so suddenly Sam realized what the problem was. Dean had been right all along. The reason Dean had turned to alcohol was because he had no one, everyone had left him. He had no one to help him. And even though Sam was with Dean now Sam wasn't helping him. He had told Dean that he should go to a rehab hospital instead of trying to help him himself. Yeah, Dean would most likely have to go to rehab at some point, but right now he needed Sam's help. He needed to have somebody to listen to him and be by his side. He needed his little brother back.

Guilt surged through Sam as he searched down the streets with determination. He was going to find Dean and he was going to help him.

* * *

Sam had already checked all the bars with no luck and was now checking the alleys. Eventually he found his brother sprawled out of the filthy ground in defeat, empty whiskey bottle still clenched in his hand. It was the most pathetic and heart-wrenching sight Sam had ever beholden and it filled him with tears. He had to fix Dean.

Kneeling down beside his brother he saw that Dean was still awake. He was staring into space, his eyes glazed over with alcohol, he was drunk again.

"Dean?" Sam whispered softly, placing a hand on his brother's shoulder.

Dean's eyes moved up to look at Sam but he didn't respond. There was no emotion evident on his face at all.

"Dean, I'm here." Sam tried again. "I'm sorry for not understanding what you meant Dean. I was stupid. I am here for you though Dean and I want to help you through this."

Dean continued to stare at Sam for a while with that blank expression. And then in an instant, he just….broke. He started sobbing, his face crumpling and it shocked Sam more than he would ever admit. He had never ever seen Dean like this. He barely had seen Dean cry at all.

"Can't…" Dean mumbled, clutching at his hair and yanking some out. Sam grabbed at his hands and willed him to stop.

"Shhh Dean. You can't what? What is it?" Sam felt like he was talking to a broken young child but his brother needed him.

"Can't….do this…" He choked and started pounding his head on the ground, causing Sam to freak.

"Dean, Dean! Stop! Don't hurt yourself!" Sam begged and helped lift his brother off of the ground. Then, for the first time in a _long long_ time Sam wrapped his arms around Dean and hugged his brother.

And even though Dean always said he hated chick flick moments, that seemed to be exactly what Dean needed just then. Dean let out a long wail but he curled into Sam, resting his head on his shoulders as he shook. Dean needed to know that he was loved.

"It's okay Dean. I'm going to help you out. I want to know how to help you, I want to be your brother again." Sam soothed Dean.

"Ru…ruining your…life…" Dean's voice cracked as he desperately held onto Sam's shirt, like he thought Sam would get up and leave him any second.

"God Dean, you're not ruining my life! What would make you think so? Huh? I'm so glad I found you man, and I'm willing to do whatever I can to get you back to the way you used to be. I want you in my life Dean, more than anything." He told Dean honestly, listening to Dean's sobs getting quieter before they ceased entirely.

"You believe me Dean?" Sam asked after a couple moments.

"Have to wait and see." Dean whispered in a hoarse voice.

"But you'll give me a chance right? To show you that a mean it?"

"Yeah Sammy. I will."

* * *

Sam helped a stumbling, drunk, exhausted Dean back to his apartment. Dean was leaning heavily on Sam the whole time, not trusting his own instincts to walk. However when they arrived there Sam groaned loudly when he saw Ashley waiting for him with an angry look on her face.

"What the hell Sam?! I've been calling you forever!" She growled as she approached them, eyeing Dean with disgust. Dean could tell she was furious with him. She had told him to stay away from her and Sam but he hadn't listened and now she was fed up.

"I had to take care of my brother." He replied simply and walked past her with Dean in tow.

"I thought I told you to take him to rehab!" She yelled with disbelief

"Rehab isn't what he needs right now. What he needs is me."

"Sam, I'm your girlfriend and you are totally blowing me off for that drunk!"

Sam turned around and glared at her. "Ashley, he is my brother and if I ever hear you call him that again I'll make sure I never see you again. You don't know him, leave him alone. Well sorry but my brother comes first."

"I can't believe you're doing this right now!" She hissed and stomped her feet, making Sam roll his eyes.

"If you can't respect my family and let me help them then maybe we shouldn't be together."

Ashley's eyes grew wide on this statement and she instantly started backtracking. "No, Sam. I'm sorry. I just miss you!"

Sam sighed. "My brother needs me right now. Until he gets better I won't be able to do anything. I'll call you later." With that he turned and went into the apartment.

* * *

Dean slept the rest of the day and woke up early in the morning. He was shocked to see that Sam had fallen asleep sitting up next to him in the bed.

"Sammy?" He grumbled and Sam slowly came awake, bleary eyes looking over at Dean.

"Hey, how're you feeling?" He asked as he rubbed his eyes.

Dean struggled to focus and concentrate, it got harder everyday. "Been better." He mumbled as he tried to push down the urge for alcohol with no avail. "I really need something…"

Sam sucked in a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose. "If you keep at it like this you'll be dead soon. I want you to take a shower first. And I'm not giving you anything before nine o' clock so you'll just have to wait it out for another hour. And you're not getting anything but beer. Understand?"

Dean slumped his shoulders and fiddled with the covers. "Yeah…"

"And you _have _to eat at every meal or you're not getting anything." He continued before placing his hand on Dean's shoulder. "And we'll talk later today okay? After breakfast."

That last part is what Dean had wanted to hear. "Okay." He said and cleared his throat. "I…I guess I'll go take a shower then." He slowly got up and willed his horribly malnourished body to walk over to the bathroom. It wasn't easy.

Sam seemed to notice because he piped up and asked "What would you like for breakfast?"

Dean really didn't fell like eating. He just didn't get hungry anymore. But he knew some food would do wonders for his body and Sam's puppy-dog eyes still got to him. He couldn't refuse to cooperate. "Do you have waffles?" He asked

"Yeah." Sam said and beamed. That smile just made Dean's whole day. "Do you want sausage with them too? I know how you love those."

And Dean just couldn't deny that request because he wanted that smile to stay on Sam's face. "Sure." He replied and managed a small smile of his own.

Dean felt a little better after a shower and some food but the intense craving only got worse. He started chewing on his bottom lip so hard that it started bleeding. He nearly jumped up and ran to the fridge when the clock chimed nine o' clock.

However Sam got up instead and grabbed a single beer. "One." He told Dean sternly.

"One? Come on Sam, one beer's…" Dean started to complain

"Dean, you need to even out when you drink so you don't drink so much at one time and get drunk. And plus, I don't have the money to keep buying new cases of beer every day, alright?" Sam tried to reason.

And Dean couldn't complain because what Sam was saying made total sense. And he didn't even think of the fact that his brother was wasting money on him. He didn't want that at all.

So Dean gabbed the beer without another complaint and tried to make it last.

"Umm…Dean…" Sam started as he sat next to his brother at the kitchen table. "Do you want to tell me how you uh…."

"Got like this?" Dean finished for him

"Yeah."

"I told you. Dad went missing. I freaked. Everyone was leaving me so I figured no one wanted me as part of their family anymore. Started drinking a lot. Then I found Dad and he got angry with me and wouldn't let me go with him. He insulted me for being like this and didn't want to see my face. Then it just got worse from there." Dean explained.

"You said you were going to ask me to come with you. Why didn't you?"

Dean scrunched up his face before taking a couple more swigs from the beer. "I almost did. I was that close. But you looked so happy. You were with that blonde girl that you were dating for a while and you both looked so happy…I didn't want to ruin anything."

"Wait…how do you know all this Dean? About who I was dating and stuff?" Sam asked with confusion

"I kept checking on you of course. After Dad went missing I stayed around here and hunted. And then once he left I just stayed here and…drank. That's why you found me in an alley so close to here. I've been checking on you everyday. Why did you break up with that blonde anyway? When I came back from Dad yelling at me you were in a new apartment and everything and she was gone. She seemed nice."

Sam froze but Dean wasn't as sharp as he used to be and didn't understand. "What Sammy?" He asked.

"Jess died in a fire." Sam said sadly, causing Dean to look up in shock.

"What? Oh my god Sammy. I'm…I'm so sorry…" This might have explained why Sam is dating this freak girl, just so he can have someone else to fill the void.

"It's okay Dean. I guess we've both had some hard times and we'll just have to help each other through it."

* * *

Sam had kept Dean busy throughout the day by taking him shopping for clothes, food (and of course beer). It actually did help balance out Dean's cravings although he was still drinking way to much alcohol. Sam learned that just by spending time with Dean and talking with him Dean seemed more at ease and even happier.

But Dean was still acting strange, like he was hiding something. Sam may have been away from Dean for so long but he still knew his brother better than anyone. Sam knew that Dean wouldn't have resorted to becoming an alcoholic just because of what their father did. Dean was stronger than that. Something else went down while Sam was away to make Dean like this. Sam just hoped Dean would tell him soon so he could help him.

However Sam got the answer later that night when he woke from screaming coming from Dean's room.

"No! Please don't! No more please!!" Dean was crying and thrashing out at the air.

"Dean!" Sam yelled and rushed over to Dean placing his hands on Dean's hot, sweaty face. Dean thrashed a bit more before he realized who the voice belonged to. He opened his eyes and Sam couldn't believe the pure terror that was there. He had never seen his brother's eyes look so haunted before.

"Dean, what were you dreaming about? Something else happened while I was gone didn't it?" Sam pressed

Dean tried to remain strong and not let his face crumble but he was no longer the man he once was before. Dean broke down once again, reaching for comfort towards Sam who stroked his back.

"This is the reason why I get so drunk. So I can pass out from the alcohol and not have to face the dreams." He mumbled into Sam's shirt, on the verge of tears but not crying just yet. "This was the first time in a long time a fell asleep without the help of alcohol…and the nightmares came back…I don't want them to…."

"Dean, it's okay. You can tell me. I'm here for you remember?" Sam coaxed him gently.

"You'll hate me. You won't want me in the same room as you let alone house…"

"Dean! That's not true! Whatever happened you're still my brother and I could never hate you." Sam begged for Dean to understand. "Please tell me. I can help."

Dean looked up at Sam, a few tears escaping from his terrified green orbs before he spoke. "I was raped."


	7. With A Broken Heart That's Still Beating

_Hey everyone! I'm SO SO sorry it took me so long to update! I haven't forgot about this fic I promise! I've been so busy and life is so stressful that I've only been able to work on one fic. But now I have more time and I promise it won't be this long of a wait next time! I hope you like the fic and the way that it's going! Dean is going to have a lot of struggles coming up but you'll see Sam wanting to help his brother for a change! And you'll also discover some of what really happened to Dean! Oh and don't worry, psycho-Ashley isn't gone!_ _She'll get even more crazy by the time the fic ends! Thanks for all the reviews! Oh and don't forget to check my poll out so you and decide what fic I'll write next!!_

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Sam swallowed hard as he watched his big brother crumble in front of him. It all made sense now. The reason why Dean became an alcoholic, how he curled up in a ball when he slept, how he struck out when Sam had gone to touch him earlier. Dean had been raped, violated in the most horrible, gruesome way possible and Sam didn't know what to say to make this better. He didn't know if he should act angry at whoever did this or be gentle to Dean. He decided to take it easy first before he blew up.

"I....I knew you would be disgusted by-by me..." Dean sobbed and stuttered, misunderstanding the reason for Sam's silence. Sam watched as Dean curled up in a tight ball on the bed and bit his lip so hard that blood started to drip down his chin. Dean just looked more pathetic by the minute and Sam couldn't take it anymore.

"Dean...hey, look at me." Sam managed to say, his voice shaking. Dean did nothing to show he had heard Sam as his crying continued. "Dean..." Sam tried again and went to lift Dean's head so he could look at him. But Dean pulled his head away and shrunk further into a ball, his body trembling.

"Should...shouldn't even bother...what's the point..." Dean mumbled

"Dean...what are you saying?? " Sam decided to speak up even if Dean wouldn't look at him. The fact that his brother was saying he shouldn't even bother with his life scared him more than anything. "Why in the world would I be disgusted by you? It wasn't your fault." Sam told him while placing a hand on Dean's shoulder, wincing when Dean slightly flinched.

"I'm so n-nasty now...d-dirty...can't...S-Sam..." Dean reached up and grabbed at his hair with both his hands and started rocking back and forth, making Sam's heart clench ever more.

"You're not dirty Dean, some bastard violated you! It doesn't label who you are!" Sam couldn't help it as his voice got louder with anger. He pulled his unwilling brother into his arms and held his shaking body against his chest.

"Wa...wasn't one..." Dean whispered, finally giving into the embrace as he leaned on Sam.

"What...what wasn't one Dean??" Sam asked him quietly, trying to calm down because Dean needed him right now.

"W...wasn't just one....more guys...." Dean choked out and his body started shaking even more violently.

Sam couldn't believe what he was hearing. "There was more than one?!" He yelled, pulling his brother back. Dean whimpered at Sam's reaction, ducking his head and cowering. "No..no I'm not mad at you Dean! I'm mad at _them_, I'm furious!! Why..why in the world would they do that Dean...how..."

"I...I need something Sammy...drink..." Dean mumbled with his head down, his eyes avoiding Sam's gaze.

"Dean..."

"Please...if you want me to tell t-then I need something. So..so it's not as bad...please..."

And Sam just couldn't deny Dean at that moment. After all Dean had been through, he could have his drink.

"I have another whiskey bottle hidden, I'll let you have it." Sam told Dean, trying hard to keep his emotions under control for his big brother as he got up to go into the kitchen.

"Sammy!" Dean called out in a gasp and Sam spun around, afraid something had happened to Dean. But all he saw was Dean sitting with his knees pulled up to his chest on the bed, looking embarrassed.

"What Dean?"

"Please...don't...don't leave..." His voice was barely above a whisper and Sam wanted to cry right there. Dean was afraid that Sam was taking this opportunity to leave and get away from him.

"Of course I'm not going to leave Dean. I'll be right back, just going to the kitchen alright?" Sam told him gently with kindness. Dean nodded quickly and resumed biting on his bottom lip, looking away from Sam again.

Sam hurried off into the kitchen, trying to resist the urge to throw up. His big brother had been _raped _and he was terrified because of it. Dean needed help and while Sam was going to stick with him through every step of the way Sam knew Dean needed other help as well. Sam would help him through this but Dean was going to need more professional help later, no doubt about it. He needed rehab and therapy, detox and counseling.

But first thing's first. Dean needs him before he needs all that other stuff. Sam needs to help him realize that he's not disgusting and wrong, that it's not his fault at all. He needs to get Dean eating again, get him happy, help him off the drink, help him get the Impala back. He needs to help Dean regain his dignity.

So Sam grabbed the hidden whiskey bottle and looked around before taking a swig of it himself. The last thing Dean needs to see is him drinking as well. He hurried back into the bedroom where Dean reached out automatically for the bottle, needing the horror of his past to be dulled by the burn of alcohol. Sam handed it to him and sat next to Dean as he took long swigs from the bottle, drinking like he was dying of thirst. Sam watched how Dean's body started to relax and his fist started to unclench. The more Dean drank the more glazed his eyes became. Finally it looked like Dean was done with half the bottle empty.

"Dean..." Sam started but Dean looked at him with fright and took yet another swig, whiskey dribbling down his chin. Ever swig killed Sam inside even more.

Dean put the bottle down again, only a small amount remained in it this time. He turned his head to look at Sam, his drunk eyes unfocused and full of sadness and fear.

"Don't...don't know where...how...to start...don't..." Dean mumbled, his voice slurring as he grabbed the bottle again. It took everything in Sam's willpower not to reach out and take it from Dean.

"It's okay Dean. Take as long as you want." Sam told Dean and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, trying to calm his trembling.

Dean sighed and took another gulp of the whiskey, looking at the small amount remaining with sadness. "I....I wanted...to come get you...when Dad went....missin'." Dean said slowly, the slur still accenting his words.

"Yeah, I remember you telling me that. What made you stop?" Sam asked, asking questions was the only way he was going to get anywhere with Dean and it was the best way to understand what happened.

"I...I decided to wait. You...looked so happy an' I couldn't ask you. I was so close, but I....decided to wait a while. Come back the next day..." Dean shivered and Sam tightened his arm around him. "Can't...can't..." He mumbled and shook his head.

"I'm here now Dean. I want to help you, but I n"eed you to tell me what happened. I won't think any different of you Dean." Sam coaxed him.

Dean nodded and mumbled something unintelligible before taking one last long swig, draining the bottle empty. "On my way back...there's a bunch'a guys...beatin' some girl. I went'a stop 'em even though there 'as so many." He slurred and leaned into Sam. "I got a lot'a 'em but there as too many. One hit me in'a back'a my head an' I fell down. Knocked'a wind outa me and my gun outta my hand. Then they grabbed it an' 'fore I knew it they had me pinned...'gainst the wall...put some rag over my face and...." Dean stopped then and leaned over, looking like he was about to throw up. Sam felt the same.

"What Dean? Wh-what happened?" Sam asked in a shaky voice. He could only hope that Dean had been knocked out when they had raped him.

""T-they waited 'till I was waking up....an' they....they did it to me..." Dean was crying now again and Sam was holding onto his brother with all the strength he had, as if that would make the pain go away. "They took...took turns...god Sammy....it hurt so bad...."

"God Dean..." Sam whispered, tears falling down his own face, he couldn't believe what he was hearing. Nobody deserved this, much less Dean!

"I kept havin' nightmares....wouldn't go away...started drinkin' and then I wouldn't have the dreams....could forget....then I found Dad finally...and he yelled at me...pushed me away...an' I needed him...I....he was...didn't even let me explain...." Dean shook and wasn't able to control his nausea any longer as he lent over the edge of the bed and vomitted violently. Sam didn't even flinch away as he rubbed his brother's back.

"That ungrateful bastard!" Sam growled. "They didn't do it again Dean...did they?!"

Dean shivered and Sam knew he wasn't going to like what was coming next. "Came an' found me gettin' outta a bar....one of em'....did it again...beat me...begged him to stop. Said...said he'd come back if...Sammy...I didn't sell the Impala....he said...if I gave it to him he'd stop..."

"Why didn't you drive away Dean?!" Sam said and regretted how angry his voice sounded.

""No point...already was an' alcoholic....didn't drive it jus' slept in it....didn't leave 'cause had to watch over you...wanted it to stop..." Dean moaned and clutched his head "I'm so dirty...ruined..." Sam could see Dean's eyes starting to droop from too much alcohol and exhaustion.

"Dean you are not dirty! Do you hear me?! What they did to you was outta your control!" Sam told Dean, and his brother shook his head.

"Shoulda' stopped it...I'ma hunter...let them..."

"You didn't elt them Dean! They drugged you! God Dean...you should've came to me! I would've helped you!" Sam told his brother with sadness.

"Couldn't...thought you'd hate me...like Dad..." Dean whispered quietly before his head dropped on Sam's chest and slowly he fell asleep.

Sam's phone vibrated on the nightstand and Sam saw that he had about 4 missed calls from Ashley. That's it! He can't stand it anymore! He wanted to have a normal life but what did that get him? It caused his father to turn away, Jess to die, Dean to get rapped and become an alcoholic and given him a crazy pyschotic obsessed girlfriend! Obviously a normal life just wasn't for him!

Sam grabbed the phone and texted two words to Ashley. _We're over._

Dean had given up so much for Sam, and now it was time for Sam to return the favor.

He was going to find the Impala and beat the guy to death that has it, because that was one of the men that violated his brother so horribly. He was going to bring the Impala back to Dean and they were going to drive away. Away from this city with it's horrible memories, way from psycho-Ashley. He was going to try to help his brother by getting on the road again, and then get him checked into rehab. He was going to find his father and knock some sense into him, make him feel so guilty that he will be crawling back to Dean, begging for forgiveness. He was going to fix his brother.

He was going to make things right, normal life be damned.


	8. In The Pain, Is there Healing?

Sam made his decision quickly. They were leaving this town tonight. The quicker they got out the quicker they would be on the road to Dean's recovery. Sam didn't even bother thinking about putting his apartment up for sale or leaving his things behind. He had four years of normal and look where that ended. He had to get Dean on the road, which was something familiar to him. He honestly didn't know what he would do once Dean got back to normal but one thing was for sure....he was never leaving his brother again.

They had gone to bed early last night and when Dean had woken up from his nightmares it had only been midnight. After Dean's confession and after he passed out, Sam started packing whatever they thought they would need. Clothes for both him and Dean, food,all of his money, credit cards and reluctantly beer. But that's all Dean would be getting his hands on from now on. No. more whiskey.

Throwing the few suitcases into his car Sam thought of another idea. When he went back into the apartment to get Dean he gently woke him up.

"Hey Dean, can you get up for me?" He coaxed his brother gently.

"Huumph?" Dean moaned something but complied as Sam pulled him up. He leaned heavily against Sam and he had to keep an arm around his brother to stay upright.

"Was the guy that...that..hurt you..." Sam couldn't bring himself to say the word. "Was he around the same area that I found you in?" Sam asked

"Yeah." Dean mumbled "By'a bar."

"Okay." Sam said, knowing that Dean was pretty much out of it. He got Dean buckled up in his car and went around to get in the driver's seat before his older brother finally realized that they weren't in the apartment anymore.

"Where....goin'....Sam..." He struggled to understand what was going on, still half-drunk.

"We're going on a road trip." Sam told him simply before taking off in the direction from where he found Dean.

"Huh?"

"Just get some rest Dean. I'm going to help you get better." Sm said gently and watched as his dazed brother nodded in the moonlight and dropped his head against the side of the car. It wasn't long before Sam heard snoring.

Sam sighed as he drove into the bad part of town. This was so un-like his brother. Dean had always been so alert and lively, energetic and ready to do whatever was their next task. But now he's so....broken, tired and lost. But Sam knows if he's able to find what he's looking for, it will help Dean get back to who he was.

* * *

Sam found his prize after a half hour. It's in a dirty, barely-lit alley but there's no doubt that it's the object he's been looking for. Sam parked his car next to the alley and nudged Dean awake.

"Stay in the car alright?" He informed his brother to only get a half-nod and groan in response, but it's good enough for him.

Sam locked the car doors to be safe after he hoped out and made his way over into the alley. The thing he had been looking for didn't look like it had been taken care of very well and it make his heart clench with sadness and anger. There was dirt covering it and scratches that never should've been there. He pulled something out of his pocket that his brother had given him when he received the object for his birthday. An extra pair of keys just in case. Keys to Dean's Impala.

Sam checked to make sure they still worked and they did, tears came to his eyes when he heard the familiar sound of the door creaking as he opened it. This car meant more to him then he would ever let on.

Sam heard footsteps behind him and his hand automatically went for the gun that he brought with him in his back pocket. Some things about a hunter never change. However, when he saw that the figure approaching was a girl, he relaxed a little. Sam had been waiting for the man to come back that raped Dean to claim his car, not some small woman,

"What are you doing with my car?!" She gasped, running forward. Sam looked over to his car to see if Dean was alright and then held a hand out to stop the lady.

"This isn't your car." He told her.

"What are you talking about? I bought this car from someone!" She demanded and stomped her foot angrily.

"Who did you buy this car from?" Sam asked sternly.

"Some tally burly guy, what does it matter? It's my car!" She yelled

"Listen, this is my brother's car. That man that you bought it from. He raped my brother and took his car. It's stolen." Sam told her in a low voice. He watched as the lady's expression changed dramatically.

"He just told me he needed money because he was leaving town. I...I didn't have any clue he was a rapist. He said he'd give me the car if I gave him a few thousand dollars." She said in a more quiet tone. Sam couldn't help but feel disappointed that the sicko wasn't here any longer so he couldn't beat him up. Oh well, Sam would find him eventually, he'd make sure of that.

"If you'd look in the dashboard drawer you'd probably find a registration to Dean Winchester, my brother. He's not doing so well after everything that has happened to him. Getting the car back would help him a lot, he really loves this car."

"How do I know you're not lying though?" She eyed him warily.

"Come on lady! I'll pay you whatever you gave him! I'll pay you more! My brother, the guy that's sitting in that car right there is my only priority. He's depressed, drinking and scared and he needs his car back. He's lost so much already the least I can do is give him back his car!" He hissed and pointed over at the car, only to see that Dean had gotten out of it and was stumbling his way over to them.

"Sammy...what..." Dean said in a raspy voice. Sam rushed over to help steady him and that's when Dean saw the Impala.

At first Dean just stared at it with wide red-rimmed eyes as if he could not believe what he was seeing. He blinked a couple of times and ran a hand over his face before his eyes watered up and he looked at Sam.

"Sammy...y-you found her. M-my car, my baby...how?"

"I have my ways." Sam grinned, glad that Dean was calling the Impala 'his baby'. It gave him hope that Dean was still in there somewhere. "Go on, get in." He encouraged his brother.

Then Sam saw something else in Dean. He still saw the tired and sad sunken-in eyes with deep bags beneath them, his pointy cheekbones and hallow face. He still saw the much too skinny and bony body, the way Dean stumbled when he walked. But he also saw a bit of happiness, a tiny bit of hope and then....

There it was. A smile on Dean's face. It may have been extremely small and only the ghost of his old smiles but it was there. Even though Sam knew there were going to be very tough times ahead, they were heading in the right direction.

Dean fumbled into the car and ran his shaking hands over the steering wheel and the interior of the car. He stroked the leather bench seat and Sam watched as he curled himself up into a ball in the familiar feel of his car, scooting over to the passenger side and pulling his knees up to his chest tightly. He rested against the side door and Sam watched as he got comfortable, that barely-smile still on his face.

The lady seemed stunned. Sam watched her face melt as she saw his damaged brother fall in love with the car all over again.

"How much did he make you pay?" Sam asked.

"Oh, no. It's fine. Please just take it. It was never really mine." She said in a voice a little louder than a whisper.

Sam nodded. "Then take my car. I won't be needing it any more. Me and my brother are leaving this place and the car would just go to waste anyway."

Her and Sam exchanged keys.

* * *

Sam had gotten the Impala a full tank of gas and they were now heading down the highway, not knowing exactly where they were heading to. Sam had pocketed the keys the lady gave him but not used them. He didn't want to use the keys that had been touched by the filthy scum that had taken the keys and raped his brother, before passing them on over to someone else. Sam would get another key made for Dean and then throw that one away.

Dean had woken up about ten minutes ago with panic but had relaxed when he recognized the familiar feel of his car. Sam had watched a few tears fall down his face before he asked for a beer.

Sam was glad that Dean had been sleeping when Sam had stopped at his apartment before they hit the road. He had forgotten his cell on the night-stand in Dean's room. When he entered the room he was met with chaos. It looked like a bomb had gone off in his apartment, there were lamps and chairs thrown everywhere, drwaers thrown out and silverware littering the kitchen floor. Pillows and feathers, stuffing and cushions thrown about. And his phone had been smashed. There was only one person that had an extra set of keys.

Ashley brought a whole new meaning to the term 'crazy psycho ex-girlfriend'.

Sam had quickly stopped and bought a new one. And now here they were.

"Where are we going?" Dean asked suddenly, he was just coming-to after the whiskey last night, the beer still in his hand.

"I don't know. I just figured we'd hit the road." Sam smiled.

He saw Dean swallow and look down. "Why?" He asked

"Because I want to help you." Sam answered

"You don't have to do this. Give up your perfect life just 'cause I'm all screwed up." Dean told him and took a sip of his beer.

Sam shook his head. "Dean, that life was far from perfect. I thought it was great at first....but then Jess died, I could never get ahold of you....I ended up being more depressed than content. I missed Jess so much, I ended up dating a psychopath, and you....I missed you even more."

Dean looked at him skeptically. "Really?"

"Yeah, really. And it took finding you to realize that that life just wasn't made out for me. I was happier when I was hunting. I don't think there could have been any way I could have made that life work."

Dean looked back and forth between Sam and his beer. He bit his lip as if he knew he shouldn't take another sip and was trying to stop himself. "Thank you." He said quietly.

"For what?" Sam asked back, not used to his brother thanking him so openly.

Dean shrugged. "For helping me. Not running away or being disgusted at me. For getting the Impala back." Then that ghost of a smile appeared again. "Even though she's filthy."

Sam grinned at his brother's attempt to try to joke. "We can fix that. When we stop at a motel you want to help me clean it?"

At first Sam thought Dean wouldn't respond but after a minute he said "Yeah, okay." He took one last sip of his beer and surprisingly didn't ask for another.

* * *

Sam had gotten Dean to eat one whole cheeseburger and although it was nowhere near the amount Dean used to eat, it was a start. At least he was eating something. He was still drinking a ton, but not a lot at one time so he wasn't getting drunk.

They had the TV on but weren't really watching it. Sam was getting things set up while Dean was picking at the french fries they got when suddenly Dean gasped and turned pale. Sam was confused.

"Dean? What's wrong?" He asked. Looking around the room for signs of danger. But then he saw what was on the TV.

A commercial about AIDS. Oh god. Sam hadn't even thought of it. Rape could equal sexually transmitted diseases. _Oh god, oh god, oh god...._

"Sammy..." Dean whimpered and that's when Sam knew he had to be strong for his brother.

"Did you ever get tested Dean?" Sam asked, coming to kneel beside his brother.

Dean shook his head and closed his eyes tightly, looking like he was in pain.

"You want to go?"

"I...I don't know...I'm scared...Sammy...." Dean swallowed and shook.

"Dean, it's okay. It's better to know." Sam told him.

"But I don't want to know if I have one." Dean said thickly, wrapping his arms around his chest.

"Dean, just because you go doesn't mean you have one. Don't you think you'd feel better if you found out you didn't? So you wouldn't have to worry anymore?"

"Yeah." Dean whispered.

The next day Sam took Dean to get tested. He warned the doctor about the blood-alcohol amount that was bound to be found in Dean's blood.

When the doctor came out to talk to Sam he was not expecting what he was about to ask.

"The tests will take 48 hours to come back. But I did notice some markings on yor brother's arms that looked similar to needle penetrations. Has your brother been taking drugs?"

* * *

_Thanks for the reviews! Let me know what you thought on this one!_


	9. In Your Name, I Find Meaning

Sam didn't have the heart to ask his brother about the drugs while Dean was still worried about the test results. But Sam had been watching Dean closely. He drank a ton and when he wasn't drinking he was fidgety and jumpy. But it didn't seem that he was taking drugs. Dean was with Sam all the time and it's not like Dean had brought anything with him. The only thing Dean had when Sam found him was the filthy clothes on his back that were now thrown out. So Dean couldn't be taking any drugs now.

But had he taken them before?

It was two days later and they had received a call saying that the results were in. The doctor called them into a room and sat them down. Sam couldn't even describe how nervous he felt right now and Dean looked like he was going to be sick.

"I have good news for you both. You contracted no STD's Dean." The doctor spoke and the brothers both let out a deep long breath that they had been holding. Sam patted his brother on the back and grinned while Dean gave him a small shaky smile.

"However." The doctor went on. "It seems that you have some bacterial infections. Just make sure you keep clean and we also prescribed you some antibiotics. But with your blood alcohol level as high as it is, you won't be able to take them. I seriously recommend cutting back on the alcohol, not just so you can take the antibiotics but for your health as well."

Dean's head dropped with shame when the doctor spoke. Sam had informed him about his alcohol problem before their first visit.

"I see many people come in here with your same predicament Dean that have alcohol problems as well. It's not your fault but you need to get help. I do have some pamphlets with good rehab centers..." The doctor told his distressed brother.

"No." Dean interrupted. "I'm not going to rehab."

While Sam was glad Dean still had his stubborn streak in there, he was not going to let his brother have his way this time. For once Sam was the one that was stronger, who was more emotionally intact and he was going to use that to his advantage to win this argument.

"Dean. You're going to waste away if you don't stop drinking." Sam told him with a no-nonsense stare.

"Your brother is right. Do you know how much damage this excessive drinking does to your organs and body? And you are in even more danger since your body is weak and malnourished." The doctor butted in, and for that Sam was actually grateful.

"I will stop. I will." Dean said quickly and Sam was glad to hear that Dean at least wanted to stop now. "But not there. I won't go there."

"Why not Dean?" Sam asked.

"Because they'll treat me like I'm some freak! They'll think I'm some loser who just decided to become an alcoholic for no reason! They...they won't understand what I've been through....why I started drinking...."

Sam looked over at the doctor to tell him that he's got control of this. "No they won't. We can tell them what happened, what you've been through. That's how they will be able to help you. They won't treat you like some loser."

"I thought you said you'd help me. If I go there they'll take you away from me." Dean said with the look of a wounded puppy. He was starting to twitch and Sam knew that he needed, no _wanted_ a drink.

"You'll have to stay there but they won't take me away. Dean, I will come in every day to see you. They probably have like family meetings and stuff like that. I'm not going anywhere alright?"

Dean was still looking at Sam warily and Sam knew his brother was conflicted right now so he had to say more. "Don't you want it to be like old times Dean? Ya' know? Being on the road and doing the family business again? Me and you?"

Dean's lip quivered for a moment as he sought to control his emotions. He tilted his head up and looked at the ceiling. "I want us to be brothers again. Like we used to."

Sam gave him a small smile. He knew Dean had just agreed to goin to rehab. "And we will Dean. You'll get better and we will."

* * *

Sam wanted to keep his word to Dean and clean the Impala with him but it didn't take him long to realize that Dean couldn't. He kept shaking and going to drink more beer, his eyes would wander away from the car and into the distance. Sam didn't know if this was because of his alcoholism or the memories of what happened to him. It was probably a combination of both. But when Dean couldn't even clean his beloved car Sam knew he needed help.

"Dean, you okay?" Sam asked him carefully. Dean looked over at Sam like he forgot he was there and took another swig of his beer, closing his eyes like he was in pain. "Yeah...can't concentrate." He mumbled, but his voice was so tight and pained, Sam knew something was wrong.

"Hey." Sam said and dropped the sponge he was using to clean the Impala in his bucket of soapy water. He walked over to Dean and put a hand on his shoulders. "What's wrong."

Dean shook his head and drained the last of his beer. "Nothin'." He went to turn around. "Need another one."

But Sam wouldn't let him. "Hey. You can tell me Dean. Please, let me know what's wrong. You can come to me instead of a drink."

Dean sighed and looked away. "It just gets so bad sometimes that I can't even think." He told Sam.

"What gets so bad?"

Dean looked back up at him with wide, haunted eyes. "The memories." He said thickly and shuddered, causing Sam to wrap an arm tightly around him.

"I don't know how to stop 'em Sammy." Dean practically whimpered. "The only thing that does is getting drunk. I...how am I supposed to forget?"

Sam didn't know what to say, if there was a right thing to say. But he had to say something. "It starts by getting better Dean. And letting out what happened, you know, just sharing it with me so it's not trapped inside."

Dean glanced over at him. "But I did share it with you."

"Did you share everything though Dean? When we went to the doctors that first day he told me there were some marks on your arms that looked like they came from needles." Sam told him carefully, not wanting to upset Dean or yell at him.

Dean's face changed instantly to a mask. "Yeah....so..."

Sam couldn't believe Dean's attitude towards this. "So you've been taking drugs Dean?! And you don't even care?!" Sam grabbed Dean's arms and lifted the sleeves up to indeed find small marks that looked like they were at one point infected and didn't get the chance to heal properly. But before Sam could investigate them more Dean roughly pulled them away.

"You think I willingly did drugs Sam?! Do you really think even I dropped that low?!" Dean yelled and Sam was actually glad for that too, it showed that Dean just wasn't a lifeless drunk shell.

"If you did Dean, it's not your fault. But you weren't acting like you were sorry you did it, you..."

"That's because I didn't do it Sammy! When they pinned me down they stabbed me with the fuckin' needles full of drugs! They waited until they were done raping me, all eight of em' until they stabbed me with who knows how many needles! I almost died of overdose and not even at my own hand!"

"What? Dean, how come you never told me this?!" Sam felt like he was learning one bad thing after another about what had happened to his brother and he felt horribly sick. Dean made some sort of groaning noise and leaned against the outside motel wall until he was sitting down. Sam slowly knelt down beside him.

"Because you didn't need to know just how damaged I am. But now you know anyway." He rubbed his fists into his eye sockets. "Man, I really need a drink."

"Dean, no. You just had one." Sam told him in a gentle tone.

"But I need one!" Dean growled but curled up into himself even more.

Sam put an arm around his brother's back. "No you don't. But you need to tell me this, let it out. Dean, it will make you feel better."

"What's left to tell? After they did it, they stabbed me with those syringes. They just stabbed anywhere! Probably not even in the right place. So then, I was doped up on so much drugs that I felt good Sammy. No, I felt really good. How wrong is that? To be violated and then feel great about it?" Dean's voice was on the verge of breaking down. Sam knew he had to be careful right here and gentle if he wanted Dean to continue.

"That is not your fault Dean. They put drugs in you that force you to feel that way no matter what!" Sam didn't know how he could sound so calm when inside he was screaming like no tomorrow. These bastards didn't only rape and steal from Dean, but drug him as well!!

"Heh, well whatever it was must have been pretty darn addictive. 'Cause first of all they put so much in me I passed out and almost didn't wake again. It must have been a few days later, and when I did wake...I wanted more...oh God Sammy..." Dean moaned, clutching at his hair.

"Did you ever get more?" Sam asked in a whisper.

"Only when that one guy came and did it again. And that time I was looking forward to getting drugged. But...he didn't put enough in me to knock me out....didn't put that much in me at all. So I still felt dirty....so dirty...it hurt...an' he said he would stop if I gave him the Impala....so I did."

"Dean..." Was all that Sam could manage to get out as his voice cracked.

"It was so bad Sammy. The only thing that could make it go away was getting drunk...Jus' everything out there was so scary. Scarier than anything we've ever faced. Waking up with rats chewing at your face, smelling of B.O. urine and alcohol, having people take one look at you and run away...trying to find a place to escape from the winds...never knowing if you'd still be alive when you woke up...." Dean closed down then, not being able to let anything else out except one last sentence. "Sammy...I need help."

"You'll get it Dean. You'll get help and you'll get better." Sam told him through tears that at some point had started falling. "And I'll be right there with you all the way."

* * *

Sam knew they had to leave for a rehab center the next day. But before he could do that he had to get something off his chest and now was the time to do it. Stepping outside while Dean was sleeping, he dialed his father's cell number.

"This is John Winchester. If you have a question contact Bobby Singer at...." Nice, he had even taken Dean's old number off his phone! The phone beeped to record a message and Sam took a deep breath.

"Hey Dad. This is Sam...yeah you know...one of the two sons you've abandoned? Well I've just called to let you know that Dean's with me. And you know what? You're fuckin' god damned lucky that he's not dead right now! 'Cause remember when he came to you for help and you told him to get lost because he was having problems and not up to hunting par? You know what happened to your son? He was raped Dad. He was fuckin' raped by eight fuckin' guys and was nearly drugged to death! And what did you do when he went to you for support? You wouldn't listen to a word he said! That's what! So if I were you I'd try to call back so you can apologize to your son, but I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't even care about what happened to him. So if you care about Dean at all, you know what number to call."

* * *

_Thanks for all the reviews! Are you glad that Dean got lucky and contacted no diseases? Like the twist on the drugs? I couldn't let Dean get that low! Do you think John should be a good or bad father? Thanks for reading!!_


	10. So I'm Holding On

_I can never apologize enough for making you guys wait this long! I had a huge writer's block but once I started writing, it all came so fast and I had no problem! I can only say you'll never have to wait this long again and I hope you're still interested!_

_Thanks so much to Gabi for helping me through this and supporting me to write and update! She is now the beta for this story too and did a great job!_

* * *

Never in a million years did Sam think his brother would end up in rehab, yet here they were, standing in front of the building side by side.

Dean hadn't had a drink in a day and he was a total wreck. His eyes were bloodshot and he had bags under them from no sleep. His whole body shook with tremors once in a while and his hands never stopped shaking. The whole day Dean had been complaining about a headache and sometimes his yells of pain became so bad that Sam almost ran to the nearest liquor store just to spare his brother the pain. But he knew he couldn't do that anymore, Dean couldn't have any more alcohol for as long as he lived, and that's just how it worked.

It had been hard to find a rehab center that allowed Sam to accompany Dean but this one would allow Sam to visit and join Dean to certain sessions and meetings. The workers there had instructed Sam that Dean would beg for alcohol during his stay and that by under no means should he ever give it to him. They told him Dean was going to get out of control and wouldn't seem like himself but that was part of the process and that he would get better. He had been informed that if anyone found out if Sam was sneaking alcohol to Dean that they would both get kicked out immediately.

"Are you ready?" Sam asked Dean as they stood there, just seconds away from Dean being admitted.

Dean shrugged. "I'll never be ready."

"But you want this don't you? You want to get better right?"

Dean was silent for a moment. "I want us to be brothers again." He whispered.

And that was good enough for Sam.

* * *

The first week went relatively well, or rather better than Sam had assumed. Dean was holding on and he was trying, he really was. When Sam joined him for group meetings with the other patients Dean took comfort in Sam being there and opened up. Whenever he was wary about something he would look at Sam for encouragement and go on when Sam nodded.

Sam had been surprised though at how so many patients didn't have anyone supporting them. Those individuals seemed the worst off, not wanting to share anything and snapping at every comment. It was obvious that they did not choose to be here and it made Sam grateful that at least he and Dean had each other.

They didn't share how they ended up addicted in the group meetings yet. Rather they talked about what was important to them and what they wanted to do once they were clean, what they thought their life had in store for them.

"Me and my brother are going to spend some time together. Then we're going to go back to work, back to the family business." Dean had said at one meeting. It was the first time Sam had heard that Dean wanted to go back to hunting

"Is this something you look forward to Dean?" The woman group councilor asked.

Dean looked at Sam and then back to the woman. "Yeah. It is. He...it's...the thing that keeps me going."

* * *

Sam wasn't allowed into the individual psychiatrist sessions though. But whenever Dean came back he was extremely silent and had this thoughtful yet confused expression on his face, almost as though he was trying to make sense of everything.

Rehab didn't come without its drawbacks though. Dean was an alcoholic, or maybe now a recovering alcoholic, and that meant he was going to get cravings. Intense cravings at that.

"Just one beer Sammy, I'm _begging _you man!" Dean whined, he would do this almost every day.

"You know I can't do that Dean." Sam said simply, looking away so he wouldn't see the pain on his brother's face.

"But my head...it's...it's killing me man! I feel like it's going to explode...I...I can't take it anymore!" Dean actually sobbed, full blown tears leaking out of his emerald eyes.

"It will get better Dean. I promise you, it will."

"I'm just asking for one! Just so this migraine will go away. One small beer, that's all I'm asking! Just one and I'll never ask for anymore again, I swear!" Dean had the sheets of his bed clasped so tightly in his fists and they were still shaking. His eyes were wide and red-rimmed.

"No Dean. You can't have anymore. This is how you'll get better, how you'll get back to how you were before. You know that." Sam braced himself for what he knew was going to come next.

"Fuck you, you piece of shit. Get out of here!" Sam knew Dean didn't mean it, that it was his addicted brain making him say these things but it didn't stop the hurt of hearing his brother's voice say these hateful words to him.

"Dean..." Sam couldn't help it from coming out like a whimper.

"_Now_! Get out! I fucking hate you! Leave me alone if you won't help me!" The venom in Dean's voice was just too much to handle.

"I am helping you." Sam whispered as he left, letting a single tear roll down his face as he went back to the motel he was staying at.

* * *

It was never long after Dean's outbursts that he would call; the one line the rehab center gave him access to was Sam's cell.

"Dean?" Sam asked, still feeling undeniably hurt by the words.

"Sammy." Dean choked out, he was crying. This time not from anger but from sadness, fear and guilt. "I'm sorry. I'm so god damned sorry. Please, I didn't mean that, any of it. God, Sammy..."

"So you don't hate me?"

"What? I said that? God, no Sammy! I don't even know what I'm saying when I get like that, it's like the pain is so bad I just lash out, want you to hurt and I'm so sorry." He heard Dean's breath hitching painfully.

"It's okay Dean, I know that wasn't really you." Sam told him, feeling better.

"It wasn't, it really wasn't."

"Do you want me to come back?" Sam asked even though he knew what the answer would be, but Dean was afraid to ask Sam on his own.

"Yes. God, please yes." Dean sighed and that added as an after thought. "If you want to, that is."

"Of course I do, I'll be right there." Sam almost hung up the phone then, and maybe Dean thought he did when the older brother said his next words.

"I need you Sammy. Thank you...thank you."

* * *

It was in the middle of the second week when Sam got the call. Dean didn't have any meetings at the moment so they were taking a walk around the center which had a running path all set up for the patients. The workers had said it was a great activity for the patients to do, go outside, get fresh air and look at the beautiful scenery. Dean seemed to really enjoy it at least.

"I can't wait 'till I get out of here, back on the open road, killing evil sonuvabitches." He smirked, sitting back against a tree. Sam could tell that while Dean was still having many problems, parts of the old Dean were coming out. The smirking, the stupid jokes, wanting to hunt. Little by little he was coming back and even though Sam knew he would never be exactly the same ever again, it didn't matter. As long as Dean was happy and relaxed and didn't have to worry, didn't have to drink, he'd be fine.

"Can you tell that you're making progress?" Sam asked him and sat down beside him.

Dean looked down at his still-shaking hands but then looked over at Sam. "Uh, yeah. I do kinda feel a little better. Even when the headaches get worse I know that's one more day I've been clean, one day closer to getting out of here."

They didn't talk about how Dean got raped although Sam was fairly certain that Dean did with the psychiatrist. But whatever she was telling him must be working. Dean smiled more, even though sometimes it was strained, he talked a lot more and he was nowhere near as twitchy. He was still hesitant around other people but he had gotten to the point where he knew he wasn't going to get hurt around certain people.

Sam was about to tell Dean how proud he was of him when his phone started ringing.

"Hi Sam, this is Julie." Julie? Oh right, his landlady from his old apartment...what the... "I noticed that you left."

"Um, yeah. It was an emergency. I had to go, a family emergency." Sam watched as Dean cocked an eyebrow at him.

"Well I need you to come back so we can settle some stuff. It's important."

"Do I need to? Is it really necessary?" Sam groaned, he should have changed his number when he got his new phone, but he hadn't thought about it, too busy worrying about his brother.

"Yes Sam, you can't just leave and expect everything to be fine. I need you to get here as soon as possible."

"Okay, I'll be there as soon as I can." Sam sighed and hung up. His brother was looking at him expectantly.

"What was that about?" Dean asked warily.

"I need to go back to my apartment. The landlord is giving me a fit." God, he did not want to tell Dean this.

"What?" Dean's voice rose a bit as he said so. "But come on Sam, just ignore her, you don't need to."

"Dean, we're stuck here for a while, it's not like we can just run away from our problems at the minute."

"But...Sam...what about my meetings and stuff?" Sam heard the unspoken words there _What about me? Don't forget about me man. You're supposed to go with me to my meetings. I need you. Sammy, please. Don't leave me._

"I'm not going to leave you." Sam answered Dean's hidden words. "I'm just going to get this sorted out and be back as soon as possible. It should only take a few days at tops."

"A few days?" Dean swallowed, his eyes held fear.

"It's a while away. I'll call you Dean okay? All the time. If you ever need to call me then do so and I'll always answer okay?" He put a hand on his dejected brother's shoulder and they headed back to Dean's room.

"Are you going to come back? Just tell me the truth now so I'll know." Dean said suddenly. Sam spun around to look at him and saw Dean staring intently at the floor right below him.

"Dean, of course I am! I'm not going to just ditch you! If I hadn't got this call I wouldn't be going anywhere at all. I promise you I'll be back as soon as I can. You believe me right?" He asked, tipping his brother's chin up so he would look at him.

"Yeah, sure." Dean said with a fake smile.

That was the best Sam was going to get.

Dean watched Sam as he left and gave a false happy wave. Sam said he'd be back but Dean just couldn't believe him though. Why would Sam want to come back to his alcoholic brother? After Sam got a glimpse of the real world again, he wouldn't want to be stuck back here with all of Dean's problems.

Dean couldn't do it; he just couldn't go to these meetings and believe in himself without Sam by his side. Sam had been his rock through all of this and now he was just gone suddenly. How was Dean going to adjust?

He couldn't do this. Not without his brother.

* * *

Sam never stopped driving all night, only stopping once at a fast food place to grab something to eat, and that was only because he was starving and he had to pee. There wasn't one moment where he didn't think of Dean. He worried every mile of the way and cursed the landlady who had been so adamant that he just _had _to come back. Sam knew that Dean wouldn't be able to think straight, that he would doubt Sam's intention to come back and that he probably would have a setback in therapy. Dean had been doing so well and a setback would just screw everything to hell.

He arrived back at his apartment the next morning. He just wanted to get this done with and over so he could get back to Dean. He saw how upset his brother had been and didn't want to leave him for long like that. Sam called him to tell him he was here but Dean seemed distant and kept the conversation short.

Sam sighed as he walked out of the Impala and up to the apartment where the landlord said she would meet him. He grabbed his phone and noticed then that there was a voice mail waiting for him. But he had just talked to Dean, who could it be?

"Sam, this is your father. I had no idea what had happened to Dean and you don't know how sorry I am. Let me know..." Sam gaped in wonder at his father's voice as he walked into his apartment. "Let me know where you boys are. I want..."

However Sam's listening was cut short as he felt a sharp pain on the side of his head. The pain caused him to drop his phone and before he could see his attacker he was hit in the same spot again.

He faded to blackness with the sound of his father's voice still vibrating through his head.


	11. I'm Barely Holding On To You

_I'm so sorry I haven't updated in forever :(__ The good news though is the next chapter is already about half done. I hope there are still people reading this story and I hope you will enjoy this chapter. Of course I want to thank my awesome beta Gabi for helping me!_

* * *

Dean felt good when he awoke in the morning. Sam had called him on the hour until late in the evening. They had agreed then that he should call again in the morning and now Dean was waiting for just that to happen. He looked at his watch. It was time to get up, have a shower and have breakfast. He didn't want to shower, though. Maybe Sam called just when he was in the bathroom and couldn't hear the cell phone. He couldn't risk that. No shower today.

Time passed by and Dean got more nervous by the hour. He was skipping his meals by the off chance that Sam might call his room phone when he was gone. Dean still hadn't heard word from Sam and part of his mind was telling him that Sam had left him. That Sam had used this opportunity to get away from the responsibility of taking care of his older brother.

But Dean had to be reasonable with Sam. It must have been annoying having to call your brother on the hour yesterday and maybe Sam was still sleeping, or grabbing a bite to eat. Sam would call him when he had time, Dean tried to assure himself.

However the morning turned into the early afternoon without a call from his brother and that's when Dean couldn't take it anymore. He picked up the phone in his room and called the only number that was allowed. It rang and rang before going to voicemail. Dean hung up before he could hear Sam's voice recording. It would be too hard to hear that voice.

Sam had his phone on, he was just ignoring Dean's calls.

* * *

Sam woke up groaning. His head hurt and his body felt a little sore and he didn't know why. He needed to get over to the rehab center soon and see Dean.

He tried to stretch but for some reason it felt like his body was stuck in the position it was in. He groaned again as he opened his eyes but was met with almost total darkness. The only light was the nightlight coming from his apartment bathroom...

And that's when it hit him. He wasn't in his usual motel that he stayed in while Dean was in rehab; he was back at his old apartment. The apartment that he had to go back to because his landlord had called him. He briefly remembered getting a call from his father, walking in the apartment and then..._shit!_

"DEAN!" Sam screamed his brother's name, not for help but because his brother was all alone, and by the looks of it, Sam had been out for quite some time. Dean was expecting phone calls and he hadn't received any. Remembering how defeated and scared his brother looked when Sam had to leave he knew that Dean was probably scared out of his mind right now. Dean probably thought Sam had just taken off and left him...this was going to do numbers on Dean's recovery that had been so great lately.

"Can't call out for your drunken brother now Sam." A female voice that Sam instantly recognized called out from the doorway.

"Ashley!" Sam growled and went to get up only to be yanked back down. He actually realized that his arms and legs were tied up to the bed posts that he couldn't see in the dark.

"What have you done to me?" Sam growled

Ashley just smiled a twisted smile. "Just making sure you don't run out on me again."

Sam tried the bonds that held his arms and legs outstretched but they were so tight that they almost cut off the circulation in his hands and feet.

"Untie me!"

Ashley came nearer. "Now why would I do that?" she all but sneered. "I'm glad you came back for me and I won't let you go."

"My landlord called me here, why are you in my apartment?"

"Oh Sammy." She giggled and Sam winced at the use of the nickname Dean gave him. "I thought it was your apartment too, until you left without a word. Now I can't say that I'm intruding on a place that isn't yours anymore. And that wasn't your landlord you silly goose." Sam heard her getting closer.

"It was you." Sam realized in shock. "You tricked me to come here!"

"For someone that's supposed to be so smart in school, you're pretty dumb, you know that? You fall for this and you also fall for your pathetic brother's trick?" She was right next to Sam now. Suddenly a small flame lit up and Sam could see her silhouette as she reached down and lit a candle on the nightstand. It was one of the creepiest things Sam had seen, and that's saying something.

"What the hell are you talking about?" He hissed. "My brother is not pathetic and he never tricked me into anything!"

"Sam! Don't you see? How stupid are you? Your brother randomly popped into your life one day. A life that was perfect with me. He knew you'd feel bad for him, all drunk and drugged up and who knows what else. He needed a place to stay; he needed money for booze so he dumps the responsibility for caring for him on you." Sam watched her figure as she skipped around the room, lighting more and more candles as the scent of lilac entered his senses.

"And you...you fell for his excuses...don't you see that he was just using you Sam? He wanted to pull you away from me, from your school, from your home to focus on him. He made you feel bad so you'd want to help him and he acted like he wanted to get better didn't he? It's all a lie to make him rely on you!"

"Wow." Sam actually laughed and shook his head. This girl was literally insane and living in her own make-believe world where everything went her way. "You are so warped in the mind that you came up with the ridiculous story all on your own?"

"It's not a story Sam." She said, now done with the candles that lit the whole room with an eerie glow. She slowly climbed onto the bed and crawled until she was on top of Sam's chest. Running a finger down the side of his face, he snapped his head away. "See what your brother did to you? He made you forget how much you love me. What lies did he tell you about me?"

Sam tried to get away, but tied up as he was he only managed to shift his body for a few inches. Disgustedly, he wondered how he could have ever thought that Ashley might be a nice girl. "You're a psychotic freak you know that?" Sam grimaced as she ran a hand through his hair.

"You don't know what you're saying, poor Sammy. You'll see, the longer you're away from that sad excuse of a brother the more you'll remember how life was with me. Don't you remember all the fun times we shared? All the nights we spent together? Just how much you loved me?" She whispered and Sam shivered in disgust as she kissed his cheekbone.

"You are so messed up that you actually thought I loved you? The ways I would pull away when you wanted more, the excuses I made up so I didn't have to spend time with you, the way I'd end all of our phone conversations early? I never loved you, you bitch." He hissed but Ashley never even flinched.

"Mhhmm...and why would that be?" She asked, her voice still as gentle as ever and Sam tried to turn away from her the best that he could. "If you really didn't want to be with me then why would you continue to date me?"

"You want to know why? I'll tell you why. Because the love of my life, the girl that I was dating for three years, who I was going to ask to marry me died. She died and I was heartbroken and alone. I had no one at the time. Then months later you came along and seemed interested, I was lonely and sad and I didn't want to be alone anymore. I was trying to find what I had with Jessica but it was no where close with you, it wasn't even great. But I just stuck with you mostly because once in awhile it was nice to have company even if you were crazy, and second I was afraid to break up with you knowing how you were. I was desperate and I never should have made a move with you. Then when I found my brother, it was actually like I had a purpose in my life again. I had someone that I cared about and who cared about me back. I actually had someone to talk to, someone who I loved spending time with, someone who I loved and even though he was broken and a mess, I had to fix him, and he needed me. No matter what I'm going to fix him so we can be brothers again."

Sam couldn't explain just how good that felt to get all that out. All the truth he'd wanted to tell Ashley from the start. He wasn't even sure she'd been listening though, still running her hands through his hair until she finally spoke a few minutes later.

"What a cute little story Sam. Where did you make that one up?"

"You've got to be kidding me!" Sam bellowed and shifted to try to push Ashley off of him but she just giggled and wrapped her arms around his neck. "You belong in a mental hospital, you know that right? Now let me go. I have to go back to Dean."

"Sammy, you can't deny you loved me." She ignored Sam's question and in return, Sam rolled his eyes. "But you just care about people too much. So when you saw your brother like he was, you had to help him. But now I have you back and we can start all over." She kissed him then on the lips, which wasn't such a smart move in her part as Sam bit down on her bottom lip.

She yelped and slapped Sam's face before giggling again, a sound that was definitely getting on Sam's nerves. "Ohh you're just so naughty aren't you Sam? I just can't understand why you chose a wasted druggie that abandoned you over a hottie who loves you with all my heart?"

Okay, now she was getting Sam mad. How could someone be so horrible and rude to someone they didn't even know? Especially towards someone as nice as Dean was. "For the last time, my brother is not a druggie! And my brother never abandoned me! If anything I left him when I went away to college! We lost touch but none of that matters anymore because we're back together now."

"Yeah, it really looks like he cares so much about you, getting drunk and living on the streets...what a great big brother and good role model he is." Ashley rolled her eyes, venom finally sinking into her tone.

"You want to know why my brother became an alcoholic and homeless? You really want to know why? It's because he was raped Ashley. He was raped several times! He was abused like no person should ever have to be and he didn't know where to go for help! Imagine that happening to you and not knowing how to deal with it! He didn't just start drinking because he felt like it; it was because he was in pain and having nightmares and didn't know what to do! He was scared!" He hoped that this girl was at least partially human and had a little bit of feelings. Maybe she would actually understand and feel for Dean's story and therefore come to her senses.

Ashley looked into Sam's panting face and for the first time she actually looked furious. Her face was turning red and her mouth was set into a scowl. "You're going to believe what crap he comes up with instead of what I know is true? You can't be serious!" She lifted her hand and it came down to smack Sam's cheek hard, the noise echoing throughout the room. Sam hissed in pain, his eyes blazing at his tormentor.

Just then there was a ringing noise that Sam automatically recognized as his cell phone ringing and it was coming from Ashley's pocket. Ashley let out a loud laugh when Sam tried to jump out of bed, only to be pulled back by his bonds. He knew it was Dean calling and with all this might pulled against the ropes, causing his wrists to burn horribly.

"Please, just please let me talk to my brother. I need to let him know I didn't forget about him." Sam couldn't help it as a few tears fell thinking about how scared his brother would be and how betrayed he would feel.

The bitch shook her head. "You better get used to this room my little Sammy. Because you're not getting out until you fall in love with me all over again."

* * *

When the evening came Dean was a mess. He was shaking all over and he ached for a sip of alcohol more than ever before in his life. He knew what he feared had come true. Sam had abandoned him. Dean had given up the hope that his brother would call him. Maybe he had intended to come back, yesterday when he had called him by the hour. But somewhere down the road he must have decided that his life would be better without his drunken and depressive brother. And Dean couldn't even blame him for that. He stared into the mirror, at his bloodshot eyes and his unshaven face. He raised his hand to touch his cheek, but it shook so badly he almost missed his own face. Who would want to stay with such a wreck? Certainly, Sam had tried, but now that he was away he had come to his senses. He wouldn't come back. Dean just knew.

Dean went to the group meeting that night without Sam; or rather he was forced to. He sat there staring at the floor the entire meeting and never spoke once. It was a shock to all the patients and therapists because Dean had been one of the most talkative people as of late, and had been showing great improvement. One therapist asked him where Sam was and he responded with a simple shrug at which she returned with a look of pity. Her eyes spoke volumes to Dean: _There's another one who's been abandoned, forgotten, given up on._

He really didn't know why he was staying, probably because in the very back of his mind, he was hoping, _praying_ that Sam might just come back. That maybe his phone only died or maybe he was sleeping. But in reality, he knew that was just too good to be true.

Dean had changed. While he was getting progressively better over the past two and a half weeks both he and Sam knew he would never be the same man…the same brother again. Dean was more timid now and he knew that wasn't going to change, while he was starting to crack his jokes again he was much more reserved, quieter. He thought twice before he did anything, weighing the good and the bad and deciding what would be better when before he just jumped into a course of action. He had nightmares that he knew would never fully disappear. And Dean no longer had any intentions of hooking up with girls on one night stands anymore….it reminded him too much of rape. He stayed at Sam's side around other people now and even when they were alone he always had Sam in his eyesight. He was no longer one to start conversations, instead looking at Sam to say something and then adding in the conversation if he felt comfortable enough. Maybe all these changes were too much for Sam to handle. Sam wanted the cocky, strong older brother and Dean wasn't that man anymore. He should have known. He was broken and now that he was healing…the pieces weren't fitting together anymore.

Really, what did he have anymore? His father disowned him; his brother abandoned him and even stole his beloved car…the only other thing he loved. Way to rub salt in the wound.

Dean was left alone once again, useless and unwanted.

* * *

Ashley had been trying to get Sam to willingly make out with her for the past few hours, all at which Sam refused or either spit in her face. He quickly learned that each time he didn't do as Ashley wasnted, wanted she was going to punish him. She had punched him in the face multiple time times and even pulled out some of his hair. Not to mention that she ended up grabbing one of Sam's old belts from his dresser and whipping him with it. Ashley might be a small girl but she was a lot stronger than she looked. She's really nasty. I like it, lol.

One thing Sam couldn't ignore was his rumbling stomach. He was hungry, and there was nothing he could do about Ashley hearing it.

"Looks like my little Sammy is hungry. But don't you go thinking I'm just going to give you whatever you want. No, no. You have to kiss me first." She whispered and started kissing her way along his jaw, when she reached his lips, Sam shot his head up with all his might and head-butted her, their foreheads smacking together with a loud thud. Luckily Sam had a hard head and wasn't dazed by it much. Ashley, on the other hand, fell backwards onto the bed, blinking a few times before she let out a loud scream of pain.

"You little asshole! You're not getting any food today so you might as well get used to starving!" She hissed violently and reached over to grab a pair of scissors that were on the nightstand next to Sam.

For a brief moment, Sam's heart stopped. He really thought that she was going to stab him right then in punishment for that head-butt. He closed his eyes in anticipation, thinking about who would take care of Dean now but gasped when he heard the sound of clothes tearing. Ashley was cutting off his clothes with the scissors!

"This is going to teach you a very valuable lesson Sam. If you only quit playing hard to get none of this would be happening right now!" She ripped both his shirts and then started cutting off his jeans. Sam's heart was pounding in his chest as he realized that she might actually rape him right now. There was no way that he could possibly go through what his brother had, he was nowhere near as strong as Dean was. She couldn't…she wouldn't possibly dare!

"Please." Sam pleaded and didn't care how desperate he sounded. "Don't. Don't do this to me."

Ashley cocked her head to the side and then smirked. "Oh I'm not going to rape you Sammy. I'd never do that to my precious boy. That wouldn't be real, would it? Raping you? I want you to _want _me Sam, I want it to be real. And until I get that you're going to have to suffer my punishments."

And with Sam completely naked she pulled her hand back with the belt in it and smiled wickedly.

"Let's hear how loud you can cry Sammy, my baby."

The next thing Sam knew was the sharp pain of leather hitting flesh as he screamed out in pain.


	12. I May Have Lost My Way Now

_Here is the next chapter. My great beta and friend Gabi was kind enough to write and add in some parts of the chapter that I was not comfortable enough to write and she did a great job with those! I hope you will enjoy this chapter that we worked on together. Thanks for reading and reviewing._

* * *

Ashley had finally stopped whacking Sam with the belt or her fists and fnow took to sitting next to him and staring rather creepily at him. She would run her hands down his naked chest and over the welts he had from the belt, giggling when he would let out a hiss of pain.

"You're so gorgeous Sam." She told him for the tenth time today. She had been sitting here for over an hour now and Sam had tried his best to ignore her and hide any discomfort he was feeling. However, he couldn't control his hungry stomach as it growled pathetically.

"Looks like someone wants some dinner!" Ashley chirped and flew off the bed and out of the room. Sam took the opportunity to try tof tug at the ropes but it was useless as he was weak and the ropes just cut into his skin even more, blood dripping down his forearms.

Before he knew it Ashley was back, holding an unnaturally large bowl of what looked like pudding with a huge spoon.

"It's chocolate; I made it myself, straight from the heart!" She cooed and Sam couldn't help it as he gagged in disgust. He was beginning to wonder if Ashley truly was doing this to see if he would fall in love with her again, or if she just solely wanted to hurt him for her own amusement.

"Now open up honey! We don't want you getting all skinny on me, now do we?" Ashley giggled as she picked up a large spoonful of pudding. Sam turned his face the furthest away from her as he could, silently begging his growling stomach not to betray him. But the thing was...Sam hadn't had anything to eat since before he and Dean had gone on the walk in the rehab center. He wasn't starving after a few hours without food but going more than a day was hard.

But he really, really didn't want to give into Ashley so she could have her sick pleasure by having so much absolute control over him. So he kept his mouth shut while she tried to spoon feed him the pudding, only for it to end up smeared all over his face. However, the pudding _did_ smell delicious and chocolate _was_ his favorite and Ashley was getting royally pissed off.

"Ashley, listen to me. I'll eat the pudding; I'll do whatever the hell you want, I'll even allow you the weird pleasure of spoon feeding me like a baby, if you just let me call my brother! One simple call to let him know I'm okay and I'll give you everything you've ever wanted!" He was begging but Sam learned not to care a while ago.

Ashley cocked her head and stared at him. Maybe she was thinking this through, or maybe she was just playing with him, Sam had no clue. But after a few seconds she just shook her head and laughed.

"As I said before, I'm not stupid Sam. I know that you'd somehow let your brother know where you are and while I know the drunk would never be able to stop me, I don't feel like dealing with him. And remfember? I told you you're not going anywhere until you truly fall in love with me again!"

A drop of pudding fell from the spoon that was hovered over Sam's head and landed on his nose, Ashley let out the creepiest sounding laugh he'd ever heard as she licked it off with her tongue. Sam didn't even bother trying to get away this time and just stared at Ashley in disgust. Hell, Sam didn't think he'd ever studied Ashley so up close before. She really wasn't that cute at all. What the hell did he see in her?

"You think that you would be able to stop _Dean _of all people? Well I've got news for you..." Sam's sentence was ended short when Ashley shoved an overfilled spoon of pudding in his mouth, nearly choking him. "I won't have any of this crap," she yelled at him.

Sam tried to lift his head up to swallow easier only to have it shoved down by Ashley.

"Oh no you don't." She said, all traces of any kind of laughter gone from her annoying voice.

When she hovered over him to look into his eyes, Sam spit the pudding straight in her face. Ashley screeched like a ghost that was set on fire but unfortunately she didn't dissolve like one.

Ashley slapped his face with such vehemence that his head flew to one side. "You won't get anything to eat tonight," she decided and put the bowl away.

Sam's cheek was burning fiercely from the hard slap. Maybe it hadn't been the smartest move to piss her off like that. He didn't mind that he wouldn't get more of the pudding to eat, but there was another thing coming. It was hard to swallow his pride, but maybe it was for his own sake to play along.

"Look, I'm sorry, Ashley," he said tentatively and tried hard to let his words sound genuine, although they caused him almost physical pain.

"It's too late, Sam," Ashley announced. "You're not getting any more food."

"I'm not hungry anyway, but I have to use the bathroom." Sam looked at her face. He had no idea how she would react to his announcement. He had been holding his pee for hours now and as embarrassing as it was admitting it to Ashley, he just couldn't do it any longer.

Ashley smiled wickedly. "And what do you think I'm going to do? Untie you and let you go to the bathroom just like that?"

"You have no other choice," Sam growled. "You want to spend the night with me? Then you have to let me pee, otherwise I can't guarantee fanything."

"Oh, I have a better idea." Still smiling in a way that almost freaked Sam out, Ashley went to the kitchen.

Sam strained his neck to see what she was doing. His face fell when Ashley came back, carrying an empty plastic bottle in her hand. Sam stared at her with his eyes as wide open as his mouth.

"Hold that expression, honey," Ashley giggled. "It's priceless."

"You can't be serious," Sam gasped incredulously. "You have to let me use the bathroom."

"Not going to happen." Ashley beamed at him, taking perverse pleasure in humiliating him. "You can use this or soil the sheets. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change the linen, cause I won't."

Sam gulped. His face was burning with embarrassment. Not only had he been lying on the bed completely naked for the whole day with not even as much as a sheet to cover his modesty, now Ashley would make him pee in a bottle. And he had no other choice than to comply.

"Okay," he said and his voice almost cracked. "Just release my right hand so I can do it."

"That's not necessary, baby. I'll be glad to help you."

Sam closed his eyes when Ashley climbed onto the bed beside him and he couldn't prevent a lonely tear from slowly rolling down his cheek.

* * *

Dean went to bed this evening only because there was nothing else he could do. He lay there thinking of Sam and how his brother had betrayed him. But maybe he hadn't! He always could try calling Sam again and see if he answered this time. Dean jumped up again, grabbed his phone and dialled Sam's number. He listened to the ringing for at least half a minute before he hung up. Sam's cell didn't die, it was in perfect working order. Sam just didn't want to talk to him. Dean sat down on his bed, pulled his knees up to his chest and started crying.

* * *

Sam started when his cell phone started ringing. It had done so during the whole day and he knew it was Dean who was desperately trying to reach him. Sam yanked at his bonds to get free, like he had done all over the day. But Ashley knew how to tie knots. All he could achieve was the ropes biting into his raw flesh even more.

He felt like crying when the ringing stopped. He imagined the forlorn look on Dean's face and it was more than he could take.

"You know I could turn it off," Ashley said and when Sam looked up he noticed that she was wearing a beautiful silky night gown. "But I don't think I should," she continued. "It's nice to see that your brother is still trying, isn't it?" She laughed when she sat down beside Sam and gently ran her hand down his chest. Sam suppressed a moan when she touched the sore welts and he tried to squirm away.

"It's okay, honey." Ashley smiled and let her hand wander over his stomach and down to his genitals. Sam held his breath and closed his eyes when he felt her hands on his testicles. Ashley had said she wouldn't rape him but this girl was just a bucket full of crazy, could he really trust her in this respect? He bit his lower lip and prayed that his body wouldn't betray him. He tried to forget about her fondling fingers and thought of Dean. It was helping. His body actually decided not to react to her gentle stroking. Sensing her frustration, Sam allowed himself a tiny smirk. "I told you I don't love you. You might as well let me leave. You won't get my love by holding me hostage."

Ashley winked at him. "I'm not holding you hostage, silly. It's just for your own good, so you can't run away until you realize that you truly love me." Suddenly Ashley stopped the stroking and slapped Sam's genitals, hard. Sam let out a painful cry that made Ashley smile. "Good to know you still feel something there. We'll try again tomorrow. Now let us get some sleep."

Sam's eyes narrowed when she got a scarf. "What's that?"

"You are really a stupid boy, Sammy. That's a scarf."

"I know what it is," Sam snapped. "And don't call me Sammy. Only Dean is allowed to do that."

"Dean, Dean, Dean. I'm so fed up that all you think about is that pathetic drunk." Ashley forced the scarf into Sam's mouth and fastened it behind his head with a tight knot. "No more talking about Dean tonight." She smiled sweetly. "And besides we don't want you to bite me, do we?"

Sam glared at her with pure hatred in his eyes, but she didn't seem to notice. She fetched a comforter and spread it over him. Then she snuggled against his side with her head on his shoulder and her leg draped over his hips. Her hand started playing with his nipples and Sam couldn't do anything against it except of grunting every now and then until Ashley eventually fell asleep. It was going to be a long night for him and all he could hope was that he wasn't going to throw up from disgust while he was gagged.

* * *

Needless to say, Dean didn't get any sleep that night. He lay huddled under the covers, clenching his teeth through the cravings that somehow seemed just as bad when he first quit drinking. His eyes never left the phone sitting on his nightstand. There was no point in sleeping because he knew exactly what his nightmares would be, and this time he had no one to comfort him when he woke up screaming. He felt so lost as never before in his life. Sam had shunted him to this rehab center to get rid of him. Now that he thought that his brother was taken care of he had gone ton to resume his own life. And Dean couldn't even blame him for that. Sam had every right to live his life without his pathetic and broken brother. Dean tried to be generous and allow his brother to do just that, but it hurt too much. He had always been there for his little brother, he had practically raised him, he had neglected his own needs to get Sam everything that he needed and now at the very first moment Dean needed Sam's help his brother all but abandoned him. No, that was not true. Sam had helped him. He had taken him into his home and he had arranged this therapy for him. Sam did care, just not enough to stay with him. Sam was a grown-up now and he was able to make his own decisions and Dean just had to let him do it. But the feeling that he had been abandoned by the only person he loved more than his own life hurt so much more than he was able to bear.

* * *

In the morning, Sam was sore all over. He had managed to doze a bit during the night but he didn't felt rested at all. His back hurt like hell from lying in the very same position for 24 hours now as did his arms and legs. His hands and feet were totally numb now and during the night he had developed a headache that drove him crazy. He raised his head a few inches to look at Ashley who was still sleeping on his chest. Something Dean had said a few years ago crossed his mind. "Demons I get, people however, are just crazy." It totally applied to Ashley. Why hadn't he been able to see it before? He never had a big interest in her, but there were times when he had enjoyed her presence. But when Dean had showed up he had started to see her true nature. And now the girl went stark raving mad and he had no idea how to escape her. Briefly, he thought about complying, telling her that he came to his senses and realized that he loved her, even making love with her. Maybe she would release him from his bonds. But everything inside him bristled against the thought.

Ashley stirred and smiled at him. "Good morning, honey. How did you sleep?"

Sam grunted around the gag. What did she think how he had slept with his arms and legs painfully outstretched and a gag in his mouth that cut into its corners?

Affectionately, Ashley ruffled his hair and laughed at Sam's disgusted expression. "I'll get us some coffee, darling." She didn't bother to remove the gag and all Sam could do was patiently wait until she came back with a steaming cup of coffee.

Ashley set the cup down on the nightstand and finally untied the scarf. Sam licked his sore lips, trying to get rid of the numb feeling in his mouth. Ashley seemed to wait for a thank you, but when Sam just ignored her she went to get the coffee. She slid her hand behind Sam's head and lifted it, holding the cup to his mouth. It was still steaming and Sam turned his head away. "It's too hot," he muttered, starting at the furious expression that suddenly appeared in Ashley's eyes.

She grabbed his chin with her free hand and turned his head to face her. "I made the coffee especially for you, honey. And you will drink it." She forced his mouth open. Sam tried everything to turn his head away and to keep his mouth shut but her anger gave her additional strength. Sam cried out when she poured the steaming liquid into his mouth. He sputtered and managed to come free from her grip. He brought his head up and knocked the cup from her hand just to have the content spilled over his already sore chest. His mouth and chest were burning so badly that he didn't even feel the slap Ashley punished him with.

But suddenly she calmed down and the furious expression in her eyes vanished. She looked almost sad and her eyes were full of pity. "Now look what you've done, Sammy. You spilled the delicious coffee all over you."

"You sadistic bitch," Sam yelled at her. "You knew the coffee was way too hot to drink it." He knew he would suffer more punishment for yelling at her and calling her a bitch, but he couldn't control himself any longer.

Ashley grabbed his hair and forced him to look at her. Then she gently kissed his forehead all the while she was painfully yanking at his hair. "Don't worry, sweetie, I'll take care of that."

She went to the bathroom and came back with a basin of water. Sam shook his head. "Don't you touch me," he hissed.

"What're you going to do about it?" she teased him. She threw the covers aside, exposing his naked body. When she started washing every bit of his body, Sam once again closed his eyes in embarrassment, just hoping to get over it.

* * *

The next morning Dean had his daily visit with the psychologist, the one where Sam hadn't even been allowed to join him. He went, again only because he was forced to and sat down opposite the kind but stubborn Julie, his psychologist. Dean gave the woman a lot of credit, her words and techniques had already helped him in dealing with his rape abuse.

She asked him the daily questions she always asked. _How are you feeling today? How are your cravings? Did you have any nightmares?_ And when usually Dean would express himself, this time he only gave short, one-word answers and Julie immediately noticed.

"What's wrong with you today Dean? Are you feeling depressed?" She asked him, knowing full well that many patients tend to get at least slightly depressed during their stay in the rehab center.

Dean just shrugged. "I don't know why I'm even staying here." He muttered.

"And what would bring you to say that?"

And while he'd much rather not answer that question, Dean felt comfortable around this lady and hell, he didn't have anyone else to talk to anymore, why not talk to her for a bit?

"Everyone I love ends up leaving me."

Julie's brow scrunched up as she stared at Dean's defeated posture. She knew that Dean must be talking about his brother Sam. She had met Sam on several occasions and he seemed like a very bright and kind young man. But the thing she noticed the most was just how much he loved and cared for his brother, how much he wanted to help him through this difficult time in his life. Julie rarely saw family members as dedicated and determined as Sam was.

And Dean talked about Sam constantly in these meetings; he was the thing that Dean spoke most of. Julie could tell that Sam was Dean's anchor, his hope and the thing that was getting him through this. Dean wanted to show his brother that he could make it through rehab for him. It was obvious that Dean had been Sam's protector, and he wanted to be able to do that again. Sam was his best friend.

What had happened between them to make Dean act this way? Julie saw too many family members just give up on their loved one because it was simply too hard or too much for them to bear. She really thought Sam would have been an exception.

"He left me. He got a call from his landlord." Dean continued before Julie even said anything. "He said he would keep calling me, that he wouldn't leave me. He actually called during the first day but then he just stopped. I hadn't heard from him since….he…I even called his phone and it just keeps ringing. He left me just like I thought he would."

"Dean." Julie started. "Why would Sam leave you if he was visiting his landlord? He is probably just busy."

"No, he would have made time for me. He probably made up the story to be able to leave."

"Did you hear the voice on the other line when your brother was talking? Did you hear what they asked him?"

Dean paused for a moment. "Well, yeah. But he probably asked someone to call him and ask him that so he could have a reason to go."

"You said that your brother would have made time for you. Now you say he probably made the story up to be able to leave and he's not answering the phone. That doesn't sound like a trustworthy man to me. You think your brother is a liar?"

Julie saw Dean's face grow red as she insulted his brother. "My brother is trustworthy and he definitely is not a liar! If he told me he's coming back then he's going to!"

Julie just smiled. "There you go Dean. Your brother's coming back, he probably just ran into a bit of trouble."

It was then that it dawned on Dean. Sam wouldn't have called him every hour the day before if he had no intention of continuing that trend. He saw Sam's face when he was told he had to leave and it wasn't happy. Suddenly the fact that Sam wasn't answering his phone meant something else to Dean.

Sam was in trouble. It was the only explanation. And if Sam was in trouble, Dean had to find him.

* * *

Sam tried to shift his body to release his aching back from the strain of lying at the very same spot for more than 30 hours now, but he was too sore to even do that. He felt weak and nauseous. Ashley had fed him a slice of bread in the morning and Sam had swallowed his pride because he knew he had to eat at least something. As embarrassing as it was, he was glad that Ashley was in a good mood after the sponge bath she had given him and didn't just shove the bread down his throat, but had actually allowed him to eat at his own pace. She had held a bottle of water to his lips and he had greedily gulped it down. The water felt cool to his burnt tongue and palate and eased the pain a bit. Ashley had announced that she had to run a few errands and had gagged him again. "We don't want you to scream for help, do we?" she explained when she was tying the knot. It had been hours ago, but Sam preferred being gagged to bearing her presence anytime.

His thoughts wandered to Dean. What would his brother do without him? Sam doubted that Dean would trust him enough to know that he would come back. Or at least try. Sam had no idea how long it would take until Ashley got tired of her sick game and would release him. If she ever did so. Maybe she would just go and leave him helplessly gagged and tied to the bed. Maybe his landlady would find his dead body in a few weeks when she came by to look after the apartment. He prayed it wouldn't come to that. He prayed that Dean would know that he wouldn't abandon him and eventually would come to look after him. But to tell the truth he doubted it. Dean's self-esteem was so low that Sam was sure he would think that he deserved to be left behind. Dean would be desperate, he would be angry and more desperate and then he would leave the rehab center and start drinking again. Sam grunted and struggled against the bonds. He had a feeling as if the ropes had already sawed through his wrists and ankles and every movement was hurting like hell. But he didn't stop. He had to get free. He had to get to Dean.

* * *

The rest of the day passed by at snail-pace. Dean skipped the rest of his daily appointments, pretending that he caught the flu. Telling them that he didn't feel good enough to attend the sessions wouldn't have helped. No one felt good here. But no one wanted to risk infection spreading between the patients. So they allowed him to stay in bed for the rest of the day. Not that Dean did it. He was busy planning his escape route. It wouldn't be that hard to leave, he was a hunter after all and even though his skills were dulled at the moment he was still sharper than the average person. And plus he was feeling better physically than he had in the past year. He had only to make sure no one would see him pick the lock of the entrance door and hot-wire a car in the parking lot. He had to dodge the security personal that kept patrolling during the night but he was confident that he would be able to get out without any problems. The waiting was the toughest part. He couldn't get out before night and he just couldn't get the image of Sam being hurt out of his head. Sure, Sam was old enough to watch out for himself, but you never knew what supernatural creature could cross his path. Dean sighed deeply. If he only had a beer or two to calm down his nerves but he wouldn't find anything alcoholic in this building. It was hard to be patient and not run out of the building at this very moment, but Dean had decided not to come back. He would end the therapy. He had spent more than an hour to write a letter to Julie with shaking hands that hardly could hold onto the pen. He explained to her why he had to leave, hoping she would understand that he had to look for his brother and check if he was alright. Which Dean seriously doubted.

* * *

Again night was falling and Sam's predicament hadn't changed. Ashley had come back in the afternoon and had scolded him for his futile tries to get free. She had washed the blood from his wrists and ankles, had fed him another slice of bread and some jello and had held the bottle when he had to pee. Sam had tried to reason with her, but she wouldn't have anything of it. She slapped him every time he said anything she didn't like and by now his cheeks were badly swollen. Only thinking of Dean kept him from going crazy. He knew that Dean had endured worse. He had been on his tormentor's mercy as well, but he actually had been raped, many times. No wonder that he had started drinking and thinking so little of himself. A situation like this took away all your self-respect.

Sam stared at the ceiling when Ashley gagged him for the night. He was terribly tired, but he knew that it would be another sleepless night, stiff and sore as he was. He felt nauseous and a trace of panic washed over him at the thought of having to throw up with the gag in his mouth. He tried to calm down and breathe evenly through his nose, but he had to forcefully keep his bile down when Ashley again snuggled against his body, all but wishing him a good night.

* * *

As it would end up, it was just Dean's luck to hotwire a car low on gas. He had been thinking that he would make it straight to Stanford with no problems, find his brother and everything would be fine.

When the gas icon on the car had started to flash Dean had continued to drive. He didn't trust people without Sam by his side anymore, especially some of the burly type guys that work in some gas stations. He had even suggested sleeping in the car overnight and then waiting until morning to go get gas, just so he wouldn't have to get out in the dark. But if he did sleep in the car he would still be alone in the dark, unprotected and that thought was even worse. The dark was another new thing that frightened Dean, considering the dark alley he was raped in. Just the thought of being alone in the darkness again brought back those horrible memories and the thoughts that they may happen again.

Going out there was the last thing he wanted to do. But the love for his brother far outweighed even his strongest fear.

So Dean parked in the gas station, took a few deep breaths, grabbed the credit card he found in the car and opened the door.

Joe heard the door chime and looked over to see who had walked in. They didn't get many customers in the middle of the night like this, not only because of the late hour but also because they were stationed in the middle of nowhere. He almost thought that his ears had been playing tricks on him, because he didn't hear any footsteps, but when he moved a little to his left he was able to see a guy standing a few feet in front of the door.

The guy was a skinny one, rather boney looking and he looked weathered and tired, almost as if he had been through too much in his life that he never should have had to face. He probably grew up rough. That wasn't the major thing that had Joe feeling bad for the guy though. The thing that stood out the most was the expression on the guy's face....he looked absolutely terrified.

"What can I do for you buddy?" Joe asked and gave the guy a kind smile. At first he thought the man may be deaf or mute, and he felt bad for not knowing any sign language. But then he slowly turned to face Joe and his eyes widened...looking even more frightened than before, he was even started to tremble. Now Joe knew that he was a bigger guy and looked like the rough and tough intimidating type, but truth was that he was a gentle giant. What the hell had happened to this poor guy? Where was his family?

"You need gas? Or would you like to buy something?"

The man's green eyes looked at him with suspicion and his thin frame just shook worse, but he did answer at least.

"G...gas...please..." His voice was shaking even harder than his body and Joe just couldn't shake off how the man was looking at him with extreme fear written all of his face.

"Alright. Which pump is your car at?" He watched the rapid expressions cross the guy's face...bewilderment; confusion and then embarrassment before resorting back to fear.

"I...I can't...I don't remember..." He said quietly.

"That's fine. Just point out what car is yours." Joe told him and walked over to the door where the guy was standing. He would have to be blind not to notice how the man backed up about five feet away from him. Upon looking out the window there was only one car there. "Okay, that's pump number three, you using cash or credit."

The man held out a credit card toward him and a tremor went through his body when Joe grabbed it. As soon as he did the man quickly backed away even more.

"You know." Joe told the guy, not even sure if he would be listening. "I'm not going to hurt you buddy. I may look to be a big tough guy but I'd never hurt a fly. You don't have to worry." He wasn't sure what happened to this man, did he just come back from the war, get raped, get tortured? Whatever it was it must have been pretty damn terrible and he didn't what the poor guy to fear him.

At that moment Joe saw something change in the man's posture, in his expression. He relaxed a great deal, still looked wary but not exactly frightened. Joe couldn't help but think that he just helped the man greatly with something, whatever it might be.

"Okay." The man said. "Okay."

Hurrying out of the gas station and back into his car, Dean let out a deep breath. Not only had he been all alone in that gas station with one other guy but the guy had looked so similar to the man that had raped him twice. Dean knew that in the back of his mind, he knew that the man wasn't the same one that raped him, but the physical similarities stuck out and he couldn't keep himself from panicking. It wasn't until the man assured him that he wasn't going to hurt him and wouldn't harm anyone when Dean had been able to relax a little. He was then able to see past the similarities in the man and see that he as indeed a totally different person. Not only that but somewhere in his mind he had taken in that not all big, tough looking guys were going to rape him. Not all people were so horrible and maybe he could be able to trust someone again other than his brother.

With this new information Dean started up the car, he had new found strength that no matter what kind of trouble Sam might be in, he'd be able to save him.

* * *

Sam almost cried. He had beenf lying in this position for 50 hours fstraight and by now every muscle, every nerve in his body was screaming at him. When Ashley had removed the scarf in the morning he had all but begged her to release him. He knew he was breaking and he didn't care anymore. Obediently, he ate the pudding she fed him for breakfast, he silently endured the procedure of washing which Ashley deliberately prolonged, he even allowed her to shave his face. The only thing he wouldn't do was tell her that he loved her. But he assumed it made no difference. Ashley was too far gone now. She took too much pleasure in humiliating him to let him go just like that. When no one came for his rescue he would die on this bed. He couldn't bear it any longer. The problem was, no one knew that he was in his apartment and no one would come looking for him.

Sam felt anger well up inside him when he looked at Ashley. How in hell had she been able to do this to him? She was almost a foot smaller than him and he still wondered how she had been able to heave his large body onto the bed. But here he was. Lying tied to the bedposts for 50 hours now, not being able to control anything. He had been careless. It shouldn't have happened to a trained hunter. He had stumbled into his apartment without even suspecting that something could be fishy with the landlady's call. He would have slapped himself if he had been able to do that. It was a good thing Dean would never see him like that. His brother would be disappointed how easily he had been outsmarted by this crazy nut case.

"So, what are we going to do today?" Ashley asked him in a sweet voice, trailing her fingers down Sam's chest. She giggled. "What about spending the whole day in bed?"

"You know that you're crazy," Sam muttered. "I can't believe I never noticed before what a weirdo you are."

Ashley frowned, but she didn't say anything. She just started pinching Sam's nipples. Sam clenched his teeth, but when she increased the pressure and almost squashed his nipples between her thumbs and forefingers he let out a painful scream.

* * *

Dean took a deep breath as he stood outside of Sam's apartment. It hadn't been easy to get here. He had to stop every so often to calm down his shaking hands and to get a hold of his cravings. A few times he was about to go into the next store and buy a few bottles of beer. But he couldn't afford getting drunk. Sam needed him sober. And the thought of Sam helped Dean deal with the cravings.

He had parked the car he had stolen in the next alley because he didn't want to alert anything incase some supernatural creature might have gotten a hold of his brother. If he was being truthful to himself he would admit that he had no idea what the hell he was going to do if Sam wasn't here. If there were no clues where would he go? How would he help Sam if he was really in trouble?

Even worse, Dean didn't have an idea what to do if Sam actually was here and didn't want to talk to him anymore. He told himself over and over again that Sam wouldn't leave him, but there was still this nasty little voice nagging in the back of his head telling him that Sam could very well have abandoned him.

Dean tried hard to push those thoughts to the back of his mind. Right now he had to focus on the task at hand - seeing if Sam was in his apartment and if he was in trouble, rescue him. In his back pockets he had two guns, one loaded with bullets and the other with rock salt and also a silver knife. In his other pocket was a flask of holy water. He briefly realized that this might be his first hunt in about a year and that he was nowhere close to hunting par. But Sam needed him and Dean could only give everything he had.

Picking the lock to the back door was harder than Dean ever thought it could be. His shaking hands dropped the lock pick several times and he had to go very slow in fear of being too loud since he was clumsy. Again, he considered for a few seconds to run into a convenient store and grab a beer, just one so he would be less clumsy and more focused. But each second that was wasted could mean one less second that Sam had to live. And plus, how disappointed would Sam be when he found out Dean had drank? He had made so much progress thus far and wasn't going to throw it all away now, no matter how badly he wanted a drink or how hard it was.

Finally getting the door open, Dean quietly shut it behind him and scanned the room he was in. He automatically recognized it as Sam's kitchen...the room he had spent the most time in...drinking beer. However, Dean was thrown from his thoughts and couldn't even finish scanning the room when he heard a loud scream from down the hallway....Sam's scream.

Dean had to resist the strong urge to take off down the hall and get to his brother; he had to be quiet...sneaky. Dean felt his fears ease up and his body was filled with relief because even though Sam had been screaming, it meant that Sam was alive. His brother was alive and hadn't abandoned him and Dean was going to save him and get him the hell outta here.

Sam's bedroom was right at the very end of the hallway so Dean would have a perfect view if he peered around the corner...and he did. The sight Dean was greeted with was all but disgusting. His legs felt weak and he felt bile rise in his throat at the state his brother was in.

Sam lied completely naked on his bed, both his arms and legs tied tightly to the bedpost with ropes. He was pale and sweating and when Dean heard a girl's voice laugh he was left confused and hurt.

Sam had never been one to enjoy sexual games like that, or at least Dean didn't think Sam seemed like that type of person. Yet here he was, naked and tied down in bed, flushed and with some girl. All this time Dean had thought his sibling was hurt when Sam had been indeed playing around with some slut. Dean had been worried out of his mind while his younger brother could care less about anything that happened to Dean and just how much he needed him.

Anger clouded Dean's senses and he began walking down the hallway, about to give Sam a piece of his mind and tell him what a horrible, disgusting brother he was when _Ashley_ slithered over to Sam's bedside. Dean blinked and did a double take...no that was definitely the bitch. She nuzzled her hair into Sam's neck and Sam tilted his head and bit her earlobe. But the way he did it was by no means sexual or out of love. He literally _bit_ her ear, and hard, clamping his jaw with all of his force. Ashley let out a mangled yell and fell off of the bed, her ear dripping with blood. But then Dean saw how Sam's wrists and ankles were also bleeding and raw...a sign that he had been trying to escape. Not only that but now that he was closer Dean could see welts and fresh scars all over his brothers body and his face was swollen and almost bright red. Anger surged through him and he felt himself get stronger. He knew without a doubt that he was going to get Sam out of this.

"You might as well give up now because I'm never going to love you and I never have! So either let me get back to my brother or kill me now and save me the misery!" Sam yelled, staring at Ashley.

"You dumbass! I want to put you through as much misery as possible! If you won't love me then I'm just going to keep you all to myself and cause you as much physical and emotional pain to drive you crazy!"

"I doubt that you'd ever make me as crazy as you already are! What happened, did you get dropped on the head when you were a baby?" Sam hissed and Dean couldn't help but smirk a little at his brother's comment. However, his smirk was short-lived as Ashley screamed and grabbing a belt lying on the floor. Before Dean could even comprehend what was going on Ashley smacked the belt down on his brother's chest, causing him to cry out in pain. Sam's eyes opened wide and he turned his head to the side and that was when he saw Dean.

Confusion, shock and relief washed over Sam's features as he cried out. "Dean!" It was probably out of pure surprise that Sam didn't even think about trying to let Dean sneak up on Ashley and instead just called out to him. Sam clamped his mouth shut directly after but it was already too late. Ashley spun around and Dean didn't think he ever saw someone look so frazzled and caught off-guard in his entire life.

"Hey there bitch." Dean felt a smirk growing on his lips. "How about you let me brother go?"


	13. I'm Hanging On To The Words You Say

_Here's the last chapter. I took me a long time to write it because I never know how to end a story. It always takes me forever to decide how it should go. But it is finally done. There will be an epilouge though of course to answer the unsolved questions. I hope everyone enjoys the chapter and feel free to let me know what you thought. :)_

* * *

Dean had to give Ashley credit for how quickly she came out of her shock at seeing Dean burst through the bedroom door. She quickly shook her head and smirked, glaring at Dean with something akin to hatred in her eyes.

"Well Sammy." She said, never looking away from Dean and he had to work hard not to flinch when the bitch used his nickname for Sam. "Looks like big brother did manage to show up. It's too bad you're going to have to watch him die right in front of your eyes now. Shame, I was just going to let him be, but now that he interfered....I have no choice." She shrugged like she could care less and took a step towards Dean.

"Why can't you just let him go?" Sam's strained and frightened voice said from the bed. "Just allow him to leave now and not come back. That way you can keep me here and he lives."

Ashley sighed. "For some reason I don't think that would lay well with your brother. And I'm not stupid...even if he did leave he'd just call the police."

Dean saw Sam's eyes narrow as he tried a different tactic. "You really think you can overpower my brother?" He huffed.

Ashley laughed, a sick nasty noise that made Dean's gut churn. "Oh Sammy, I know I can overpower him. Can't you see how thin he is? He's just skin and bone! And not to mention the fact that he can't keep from shaking like a leaf. He's a drunk Sam, but you already knew that...you just can't accept it."

"He's not...!" Sam started but Dean stopped him from going on.

"Don't even bother Sammy." Dean told him, sparing a quick look at his tormented and weak brother. "I'm gonna get you outta here, don't you worry about that."

Ashley let out a bark of laughter. "Oh yeah? And how the hell do you think you're going to manage that? I bet you can't even walk in a straight line!"

Dean shook his head, not letting what she said faze him. "You know, I've always said I would never hit a woman. But you honey...you aren't a woman by any means. You're a monster, and I hunt monsters."

It was meant to scare Ashley but all she did was cock an eyebrow at him. "What the hell is that supposed to mean? You're more far gone than even I thought." She took another step closer to Dean. "You know....I saw some pictures of you and Sam while digging through his stuff. You used to be so good looking, you know that? So strong and muscled and handsome...I would have tied you right up to another bed like your brother. But look at you now! I can hardly see the resemblance, wouldn't even have guessed that was you in a million years. You're skinny as a twig, look like you haven't bathed or shaved in days!" Dean winced slightly and Ashley took that as a cue to continue.

"Not only that but your face is sunken in, you have bags so dark that it makes you seem like you must never sleep. You look pathetic not to mention your constant shaking. No girl is ever going to be with you now you loser; you just threw your whole life away. You're an ugly freak." She said with a triumphant grin.

Dean had no clue what the hell this girl was grinning at or what the point of that monologue was about. Did she think he was going to burst into tears and hide at what she just told him? Yeah, that probably was what she thought. She wanted to get under Dean's skin, make him more venerable. This girl was really insane...and stupid at that.

He just wanted to run right up to her and take her down but he doubted his own strength. If he tried to attack her and failed then both him and Sam were doomed. He started wracking his brain…trying to think of a way to overpower her without having to attack her directly.

"Dean, don't listen to her!" Sam called from his trapped position on the bed. Obviously some stupidity must have rubbed off on Sam these past few days because did he really think Dean was going to let her words affect him?

"Sammy, it's okay." Dean said with a sly grin. "Really. I know I'm a freak already and hey, I guess some people would consider me ugly. I know that and I'm perfectly fine with it. But you know what lady?" Dean asked and this time he took a step closer to Ashley. They were now inches from each other's faces. "I know for certain that I have one thing that you don't. My brother has always loved me, but he's never going to love you."

Suddenly Dean saw something change in her eyes and her features. She knew Dean was right and what he said was a hundred percent true. Sam loved Dean; it was obvious with all the devotion and care he showed towards his brother. But he had told _her_ he never loved her and never would. And it didn't look like Sam's feelings were changing any towards her.

But it seemed as soon as Ashley realized that, she didn't waste any more time. She jumped onto Dean with all her force, sending them both falling to the ground. Dean heard Sam let out a scream before Ashley began scratching his face with her hideously long fingernails. He tried to push her off of him but she fisted her fingers through his hair which caused him a flash of pain. He should have cut his hair again, it hadn't been cut since Sam found him and it was long enough where Ashley could grab it and just hold on.

He gritted his teeth as Ashley now used her hands in his hair to start smacking his head against the ground. He again tried to push against her, but he was weak and now he was dizzy from getting his head smacked around. Realizing there wasn't much he could do at this point; he tilted his head forward and tried to spit in her face.

He guessed he aimed right in her eye because she screamed and rolled off of him. Dean used the opportunity to climb shakily to his feet, his head was spinning and he was feeling nauseous. He looked to his side to see Sam looking at him with fear written all over his face.

"Dean, get out of here now! While you can! Please!"

Dean was able to roll his eyes and get to the other side of the bed but before he could respond to Sam's stupid suggestion Ashley was back on her feet, looking majorly pissed off.

"You're disgusting!" She bellowed

"Yeah, you pretty much already told me that." Dean shrugged. They were both standing on opposite sides of the bed, with Sam stuck in the middle, looking wildly between them both.

It was Ashley that made the next sudden move. She actually jumped onto the bed, ran across and on top of Sam who let out a cry of pain and jumped at Dean. However, the older Winchester was ready this time and simply moved out of the way, sending Ashley flying into the wall. He hurried after and threw all of his weight against her to weaken her. He then grabbed her arms to pin her to the wall.

Ashley struggled but Dean kept his hold, then she started laughing.

"You're not going to hurt me. You don't have the guts."

"You really think so? I said this before and I'll say it again. I would never hurt a woman, but you're not one." He turned to look at Sam struggling against his bonds, at the horrid state he was in. "Hell, you don't even seem human."

"Hah, I could say the same to you. You look more like a mangy mutt than a human."

Now it was Dean's turn to laugh. "Oh honey, you're over exaggerating and it's hilarious. I would have said I looked like that a month or so ago, but not anymore. Admit it; you're the psycho disgusting bitch here, not me. You know there's something wrong with you, but instead of fessing up, you try and turn it around on me."

Ashley completely ignored Dean's comment as she continued to struggle. "How the hell did you even manage to come here? I didn't think alcoholics could have a driver's license." She started to calm down until she stropped struggling completely. Dean was curious to what was going on when she suddenly threw her head back right into his forehead.

Dean stumbled backwards and fell on his butt. His head was pounding now as he saw her hurry over to Sam's side. She grabbed a picture frame of Sam and Jess from his nightstand and threw it to the ground, shattering it. She picked up a shard of glass and before Dean knew it...she was holding it at his brother's throat.

Dean felt his blood start to boil as he stood up. If only he had been stronger he would have been able to push past the dizziness and prevent this all from happening. He took a step forward only for Ashley to push the blade against Sam's throat, a little bit of blood dripping down as Sam whimpered.

"Don't you come any closer or I'll slice your baby brother's throat and you'll watch him bleed to death." She smirked and Dean felt something inside him start to grow...rage. "I see it now" she said. "You could care less yourself, couldn't you? You wouldn't care if I killed you right now. But you care if I hurt him." She smiled sickly down at the wriggling Sam in her grasp.

"Wow, you just now realized that? You must be just as stupid as you are insane." Dean growled at her but backed off nonetheless when she pressed the glass to Sam's skin again. "Will you quit it? I have no idea what you want! Do you want me to leave? Do you want to tie me up too? Whatever you want just tell me and you'll have it. Just let my brother go!" A plan was formulating in his head, he looked over at Sam and winked at him quickly, silently telling him to play along and help him.

Sam nodded once in agreement and as Ashley started rambling Dean froze and forced a shocked and scared impression on his face. He turned his head to look down the hallway, acting as if he heard someone coming.

It worked. Ashley moved the piece away from Sam's throat slightly as she gasped and also stared down the hall. At this moment Sam took the opportunity to lean forward and chomp down on Ashley's wrist, hard. She let out a wail of pain and dropped the piece of glass only for it to fall onto Sam's naked chest. Sam let out a gasp on the glass lay embedded in his skin, a small river of blood already dripping from it.

Ashley grabbed the piece of glass out of Sam's skin but before she could stab him Dean reached into his pocket and pulled out the gun he had brought and almost forgot about. He didn't want to do this but he had no other choice as he aimed at Ashley and shot her in the arm, perfect hit.

She let out a strangled cry of great pain as she once again fell to the floor but this time in a crumpled heap. Dean heard her as she started sobbing but didn't waste any time as he ran forward and knocked her out with the butt of his gun. And he made sure to hit her extra hard.

Sam whimpered from the bed and Dean finally turned to face his brother. The poor kid looked like he was in a state of shock as Dean grabbed the knife from his boot and cut the ropes that had held his brother hostage. Sam let out a relieved sigh as his arms dropped down onto the bed and his legs could finally have a rest. It was only seconds though until his whole body started shaking, his sore limbs not used to the relaxed position they were in. Dean laid a sheet over Sam's stomach and legs to allow him some privacy.

These pathetic hurt noises started coming out of Sam's throat and Dean knew exactly what was going on with his brother. It was the noises he would make when he was little and afraid of the dark, afraid that their father might never come home, afraid of Dean leaving him alone. But Dean hadn't heard those noises since his brother was about ten. Sam was absolutely terrified.

It broke Dean's heart and he just couldn't help but to sit on the bed and hold Sam in his arms. His little brother's head was resting in his lap and Sam buried his face in Dean's shirt.

Dean smiled sadly. "Don't you think you should be hugging me back?" He tried to joke.

Sam let out another small whimper. "Can't feel my arms." He mumbled. A rough shake rattled his body and Dean held on with all the strength he had. Just enjoying the feeling of Sam breathing, alive. After a moment Sam looked up at him with tears in his eyes.

"You came for me." He whispered. "You found me. I thought I was dead."

Dean smiled and ruffled Sam's hair gently. "I might be a different man now Sammy but I'm always going to be your big brother. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you."

"You always know just what to do." Sam continued quietly. "You're always so brave." And that was Dean's way of knowing just how important he was to Sam and how highly his brother thought of him. Yeah, Dean had changed and he was going to be different from now on. But he was still the big brother, he was still a protector. Even when Dean thought he was no use or help to Sam anymore, he still managed to prove himself wrong.

"Yeah, yeah I know." Dean brushed it off but he smiled at his brother, letting him know that the compliment didn't go forgotten. Sam tried to smile back but suddenly winced in pain. They couldn't waste anymore time. Sam needed his wounds checked over and then they needed to get the hell out of here.

Dean stood up and got a good look at his brother. He had small cuts on his neck from the glass and the gouge in his chest. Those could be fixed up easily. Sam also had a ton of welts on his chest probably from that belt Dean saw Ashley hitting him with. Those would take time to heal, but Sam would be fine. Also, his brother's face was a mess of red and purple blotches, his cheeks were swollen making his eyes look tiny, and not to mention Sam had to be sore and stiff as hell. He would need to rest a lot but he would be okay. The physical injuries weren't what was bothering Dean, what was bothering him was the fact that Sam had been tied to the bed and naked...had he suffered the same fate that Dean had?

"Sammy..." Dean looked away, not being able to stare his brother in the eyes in case he saw the pain that Dean knew all too well. "She didn't...."

His voice faded out, unable to form the next few words. Sam seemed to know what Dean was asking though as his eyes grew wide.

"Did she rape me? No! God no! I think she wanted to...but she didn't. Even she wasn't that horrid." Sam turned his aching neck so he could look at his brother and saw a pained and distant expression on his face. Shit, he just unintentionally reminded Dean of his own horrible memories. "Dean, I'm sorry."

Dean blinked and shook his head. "It's okay...I mean...it's not...but I'm okay. I'm better. Really." He squinted his eyes at Sam. "But you're not. I'll tie her up and then fix you up."

Dean used the extra rope that Ashley had left on the floor and tied her on the guest bed the same way Sam had been and also gagged her. He then proceeded to use the medical supplies Sam had kept in his apartment to patch up his brother. Luckily Sam had passed out from either exhaustion or pain halfway through. Dean then moved Sam's numb arms and legs for him and put them in a more comfortable position.

Turning away from watching his brother sleep, Dean decided that it was time he checked on the psychotic bitch he trapped in the other room. He stood up slowly, trying to ignore the pulsing pain in his head where Ashley had banged it against the floor repeatedly and made sure he had a firm grip on the gun in his hand.

He peeked into the room and sagged in relief as he saw that Ashley was still out cold, he didn't want to deal with her anytime soon but he had to do something with the bullet in her arm. He could just let her bleed to death, but for some reason he'd rather have her locked in prison or a mental institute than get out easy with death. He wanted her to suffer and live the rest of her life as miserable as she could possibly be.

So when Dean took the bullet out of her arm and stitched her, it wasn't on accident how sloppily and clumsy he did it. He smirked as he realized the stitches looked like a four year old did them...or a person who couldn't possibly care less. He hit Ashley on the head with his gun again for extra measure and then went back to sit with his brother.

Sam woke up about four hours later, his screams waking Dean up from the nap he never knew he took.

* * *

"Sammy? Sammy!" Dean blinked the sleep out of his eyes. He had fallen asleep sitting up next to Sam on the bed and now he was fumbling to grab and hold onto his brother whose body was wracking with tremors. All the while his arms and legs had remained still while his body lurched off the bed. Dean's weak muscles weren't strong enough to hold his brother still so he ended up practically laying against Sam's chest in an attempt to calm him.

However that made Sam shake more as he began to full on sob, and Dean realized he had pressed against Sam's angry wounds on his chest.

"Shit! Sammy, I'm sorry! It's okay...just..." Dean was at loss of words to say but something must have broken through Sam's trance as his eyes lost the hazy look they had obtained and snapped to Dean's.

"Dean..." Sam whispered and the older brother could sense that Sam had just realized he was safe. "Dean...it hurts...it hurts so bad..."

"What hurts Sammy?" Dean felt terribly bad for his little brother and he could guess that just about everything on Sam's body had to be hurting right now.

"My legs..." Sam was able to choke out before he let out another soft yell of pain. "My arms....so bad Dean...I can feel them now. It's so bad!" He moaned and there was absolutely no way Dean could ignore that voice. He thought back to the past when they were kids and Sam would always look to Dean to make the bad things and the pain go away. Like Dean was some miracle worker. But Dean had been able to help him every time somehow, no matter how bad it was Sam was convinced Dean could fix it. Dean hadn't let Sam down so far and he wasn't about to start now.

So when Sam leaned against him, Dean held onto him. "Hey, it's going to be alright Sammy. I'm going to take care of you okay?" After a moment though Sam shook his head.

"I'm okay. Really, I'll be fine. I can handle it." And Dean saw for the first time that Sam was grown up now. He didn't need Dean to do the little things for him anymore and to comfort him all the way. Dean positioned Sam so he was lying down in the middle of the bed and stood up.

"I'm just going to get some stuff to help you." He told his brother. "Do you have any heating pads anywhere?"

"Yeah." Sam whispered, his voice sounding hoarse. Dean made a mental note to give Sam a cup of ice cold water as well. "In the little closet at the end of the hallway. There's two in there."

Dean promised Sam he'd be right back and within a few minutes he approached Sam with the heating pads, water and a bottle of 600 mg Motrin he found in the kitchen cabinet.

"Here ya go." Dean said softly as he sat on the side of the bed opposite Sam and handed him the glass of water with a straw. "And I put in exactly three ice cubes, just how you like it." Sam had always had a weird obsession with needing no more or no less than three ice cubes in his drink. Two wouldn't make the drink cold enough and four made it too watered-down.

Sam managed a smile through the pain though it was more of a grimace and cocked his eyebrow. "I can't really lift my arms up Dean, it hurts too much." He reminded his brother but then his expression went soft. "I can't believe you remember that."

"Of course I do. I'm the one that made all the food and drinks for you while we were growing up." Dean smiled. "Well then it looks like I'm going to have to feed you and give you your drinks huh big baby?" He joked as he slowly helped Sam sit up a little bit so he could drink, the whole time Sam tried to suppress his moans of pain, but Dean heard them nevertheless.

"Yeah?" Sam was panting a little bit from the exertion of sitting up and there were tears of pain in his eyes. "Well, I am the baby brother. So it's your job to take care of me."

"Yep, you got that right." Dean smiled at Sam's joke as he held up the glass for him to sip through the straw. It was obvious that Sam had been dehydrated and that made Dean's blood boil even more. Not only had Sam been beaten, but he had been malnourished too.

Sam was done with the water in about ten seconds flat and Dean shook his head in disgust. "She didn't give you anything to drink, did she?" He spat.

"Only a few sips here and there. I managed to piss her off enough where she wouldn't let me drink anything and ended up spilling it over my head instead."

"That bitch." Dean muttered as he went to fill up Sam's glass again. He was going to make sure to tell the cops every last thing she did to his brother so she could get the worst punishment possible. He gave his brother the Motrin this time with the water that was gone just as fast.

"You have any Vix in here Sammy? I think it would help your aches a bit." Dean asked him after Sam was done with the water.

"Yeah, in the nightstand drawer." His brother answered with his eyes clenched shut tightly with pain.

Dean plugged in the heating pads behind Sam's bed and put one over each of Sam's arms. He decided that he'd switch them after and hour and put them on Sam's legs. He rubbed some Vix on them instead and massaged Sam's legs. He felt bad at Sam's winces but he knew that massaging the muscles would help in the long run.

"Sorry Sammy, I gotta do this. You'll thank me later." He tried to lighten Sam up by smiling at him but apparently Sam was in too much pain to care.

* * *

Sam woke up at what he thought must have been hours later. His arms and legs were still aching horribly but he wasn't in excruciating pain like he had been before. He opened his eyes just in time to see his brother walk through the doorway, sipping something from a cup. Sam immediately tensed up. He knew in his heart that Dean wouldn't start drinking again but in his mind he was panicking, trying to remember if there had been any alcohol left in the house.

Dean saw Sam's expression and chuckled. "Chill Sammy, it's just coffee. I made some in your kitchen." He came over to sit on the side of the bed. "How are you feeling?"

Sam tried to shrug but it hurt his shoulder so he went for sighing instead. "Okay, I guess. Still sore as hell." The smell of Dean's coffee was now right next to him and Sam had to try hard not to snatch it from his brother's hands.

Again, Dean's trained big brother eye caught what Sam was doing. "You want some? I can make you a cup with all the cream and sugar and junk you like in it. And you're probably starving. I'll go make you some soup alright?"

"Alright." Sam smiled as Dean got up. "And thanks...for everything."

Dean waved the compliment off but he smiled and Sam knew he took it to heart.

When Dean returned with the coffee and soup Sam realized that he still couldn't really move his arms. Sam realized that he must have not fallen asleep for as long as he thought he did. Because if he had been asleep for hours he would have been able to move his arms. He sighed as all he wanted to do was to be able to feed himself...something that Ashley had taken away from him when she had him trapped.

Sam was expecting Dean to make fun of him or crack a joke but all he did was smile gently at him.

"Hey, it's okay." That was all he said and all he needed to say. Sam watched as Dean tested the soup to see if it was cool enough and how he carefully fed Sam small spoonfuls. It made him feel like he was four again but it also felt so much better than when Ashley was feeding him. The gentleness that Dean used and how kind he was with Sam...that was how someone cared for someone they love. The harsh way Ashley had been shoving food down his throat just proved to Sam even more that Ashley never really loved him; she was just madly obsessed with him. This showed Sam how messed up his priorities had been in the past years and exactly who was important to him and deserved his attention.

After Dean was done feeding him the soup he sat down on the bed next to Sam again.

"So, I was thinking...since you're feeling better I think I'll call the cops." He said and looked at Sam for a reaction.

"What will we tell them?"

Dean shrugged. "The truth, what else? You got kidnapped and tortured by your freak ex-girlfriend and I came and saved you. It won't be too hard for them to believe once they see the psychopath."

"Yeah. That's true." Sam agreed. "So once we leave here we're going back to the rehab center right?"

Dean raised an eyebrow. "I don't think that would be the best idea."

"Really? Because I think it would be." Dean had left in the middle of his treatment; there was no way that could be a good thing. Sure, he was doing a lot better but if he completed his treatment Sam thought that would help him a lot.

"I just ran out of there and left Sam. I snuck out! I don't think they'd let me back in after that." Dean looked away and Sam knew he wanted to end the conversation.

"Dean, think about it. We'd tell them the truth just like we will the cops. You had to come save me or she would have killed me. If they don't believe us they can ask the cops." Sam explained.

Dean seemed to understand that but he still shook his head. "Sam, I feel a lot better. I do. I don't want to waste anymore of your time waiting for me to come out of rehab."

Sam let out a sigh. He knew that this whole ordeal had helped Dean a ton. It showed himself and Sam that Dean could still protect him, could still be the big brother. But Dean wasn't emotionally ready yet. He needed more help. Seeing Dean so calm and in control while taking care of him showed Sam just how far his brother had come since he found him in the alley. But he still shook and Sam knew he still had cravings, if he completed his stay, the better he would get. "I waited this long Dean; a little while longer won't bother me." He smiled. "Besides it's not like I can hunt without you. We're a team man."

Dean rolled his eyes and got off the bed. "Okay."

"Okay?" Sam asked, feeling hope. "So you'll go back?"

"Yes, I'll go back bitch."

Sam smiled; Dean had made the right decision. "I'm glad, jerk."

"Yeah, whatever. I'm going to get ready for the cops and look presentable."

* * *

When the cops showed up half of them went to interrogate Dean while the other half checked on Sam and Ashley. It was very easy for Dean to tell them what happened because it was the truth and easily believable. Sam was proud of Dean and how he acted towards the cops. He really did make himself look presentable and not like some guy that just broke out of a rehab center and was a recovering alcoholic. He had some of Sam's smaller sized clothes on and had trimmed up his beard that was growing. Sam wondered why he hadn't shaved it all off but it didn't matter.

Ashley went mad when she woke up and the cops were there. She started screaming things about Sam and how he betrayed her and how she wanted to strangle Dean for taking him away from her. Sam was sure the whole neighborhood could hear her screams. They didn't need much more convincing after Dean's story but they talked to Sam anyway.

Sam told them what happened while the whole time Dean was sitting at his side, just being a comforting presence. The cops whisked Ashley away even saying that they've had some complaints about her from past boyfriends and said they would let Sam and Dean know if they had further questions.

Sam looked up at Dean once they left.

"You ready to finally leave this place?" His brother questioned with a smirk.

"You don't even have to ask."


	14. I Haven't Forgotten My Way Home

_I'm so sorry for not finishing this sooner. Truth is I completely forgot that I had promised you guys an epilogue! I for some reason thought the story was over, so thank you so much for the reminders. Thanks to Gabi to beta'ing this even though she was really busy. And thank you all for sticking with the story and for your support! I hope you'll enjoy the last installment of this story._

* * *

For the first time in years Sam felt like he could finally breathe freely without that constant pressure in his chest. After years of inner struggle to discover what he really wanted.... he truly felt happy for the first time as he walked side by side with his brother out of the rehab center.

To say Dean's smile was blinding was an understatement. Sam looked at the man he was with now and compared him to the man he found months back in a dirty alley and could not see how those two people were ever the same. Dean was healthy, he was fit for the most part, still skinny but his skin had a golden glow to it from sun and he was starting to develop some muscle back from exercise. His teeth were white and his body fresh; he wore jeans and a t-shirt that finally fit his new size correctly. His hair had grown a little bit and Dean now took to wearing a bit of stubble over his face, just the beginnings of a beard. The hair was light and didn't distract from his face, it looked good on him.

But the biggest difference of them all was that Dean looked happy. No, he didn't just _look_ happy but he truly was happy. It was hard to see at times when Dean drew back and became more reserved than usual but Dean's quieter behavior was just something that was a part of him now. But Dean was finally happy with life, he wanted to live and he wanted to fight, he looked forward to each day that came.

Sam watched Dean as they said good-bye to the last of the patients and the doctors that they had become friends with. His brother's steps were shorter, more timid, his eyes would search the room back and forth every few steps. Not to mention the way Dean didn't try to hide how close he was walking next to Sam, not ashamed of his need to have his brother close, for assurance just as much as protection.

No, Dean wasn't the same brother Sam had left when he went away to college but that's okay. Sam loved him even more anyway.

Rehab didn't bring understanding to just Dean but to Sam as well. Because Dean was more dependant now it really brought on Sam's protective side. He had begun to understand just how his brother had felt watching over Sam his whole life. The constant feel of the whole world on your shoulders, the worry that something might happen to your brother if you look away for one second, and it would be all your fault. It was a tough load to carry, and not many people could do it which is was why Sam didn't understand how his brother could do it at just four years old. It was amazing and just proved how strong Dean really was, it made Sam admire him even more and feel that much worse about leaving for college. No wonder Dean had been so upset, not knowing what could have happened to Sam while he was gone; feeling like all those years of hard work had gone down the drain. Dean had turned Sam into the man he was and yet Sam had blown Dean off, hadn't realized that Dean was the reason he was able to go to college in the first place. He had left without even a thank you. And Sam knew that if Dean took off right now without a word, it would break his heart after all he had done for his brother.

Dean should do that right now for redemption. Just run away from Sam and never look back. But Dean was better than that, he was a better man. He understood.

Dean's grin lengthened when the Impala came into view. He picked up speed, practically leaving Sam in the dust. After months of being sober the center had allowed Dean to go for practice drives with Sam and a doctor in the car, Dean had driven great and was all set to get behind the wheel again now that he was back in the real world.

"Oh baby, how I've missed you." Dean purred quietly to the object of his affection. He rested his cheek against the roof and moved his hand against the cool glass of the window. Sam let him stay like that for a while letting Dean sort out his thoughts and not wanting to rush him. After a few moments Dean opened his eyes and looked toward Sam, still smiling.

"You ready to get the hell outta this town Sammy?"

Sam smiled back and hurried to get into the passenger seat, the familiar feel of the engine rumbling making him feel at home.

"You don't have to ask twice."

* * *

Sam woke up to the sound of his brother gasping for air. Sam sat up in bed and turned to face Dean's bed. From the glow of the small night-light in the room Sam could see Dean curled into a tight ball facing him, shaking and sweating. No matter how many times it happened Sam couldn't get used to it and the sight broke Sam's heart just as much each time. No matter ho much better Dean got, he couldn't seem to shake off the nightmares, though they were happening less frequently as of late. Even though they were staying in a cabin, they had to move two beds into the same room, motel style. There was just no way Dean would sleep alone in a room.

Sam learned not to ask any questions and let Dean sort it out by himself, even though he wanted nothing more than to sit by his brother's bedside the whole night. It was something Dean really appreciated. So Sam just got up and poured a glass of water from the sink like he did on nights like these. He walked back and handed the glass to his brother who was noticeably calmer, but still looked shaken up. Squeezing his shoulder Sam repeated the words that calmed his brother every time.

"It's okay Dean. I'm right here."

Dean would fall asleep after that with surprising ease. Turned onto his side with his knees up to his chest and buried in blankets. He faced his brother and offered a smile before he closed his eyes.

There were a lot of changes in Dean's nighttime routine. He hated sleeping in complete darkness and needed some form of light in the room, hence the nightlight. If it was because the dark reminded him of the event or because with the light he could see his little brother whenever he woke...Sam wasn't sure and didn't really care. He also no longer slept on his stomach all sprawled out without any blankets like he always used to. Sam figured he felt safer on his side facing Sam, felt protected the smaller he was in bed and under the blankets.

But Dean was doing better than Sam ever thought he could at night. He was proud of his brother.

* * *

Sam had been cooking dinner and Dean was doing sit-ups in the other room when it had happened. It was a month and a half since Dean had gotten out of rehab and much longer than that since Sam got the message from their father. Sam had informed Dean of the message and of John's apology but Dean had just shrugged and said if John couldn't say it to his face, it meant nothing. Neither of them have spoken to him nor heard anything on his whereabouts.

"Sammy, your phone is ringing!" Dean called out.

Sam sighed and turned off the stove burner before running into the main room. "You couldn't have picked it up for me?"

Dean grunted as he did another sit-up. "I'm busy. And besides, what if it was some chick calling you back or something? Awkward..."

Sam was going to shoot back some remark about how he doesn't give girls his phone number when the world seemed to stop spinning as he looked at the display.

"Shit!" He cursed, thinking only of getting the hell away from Dean when he answered the phone. Sam rushed out of the front door of the cabin, not hearing Dean's yells in his panicked state. Once he was sure Dean was out of earshot he answered the phone.

"Dad? What the hell do you want?"

"You never called me back Sam. How am I supposed to visit you boys if you don't let me know where you are?" John's voice sounded sad, tired and drained. If Sam wasn't so furious with his father he would have been worried.

"I'm not telling you where we are." Sam said stubbornly. _Not now, maybe sometime later Dad, if you truly want to gain Dean's trust back. But he's too fragile right now...he's finally getting better...._

"I know you won't. That's why I called Bobby."

Sam's mouth dropped. Bobby had promised him not to tell John where they were! He swore he wouldn't!

"Before you get mad at him Sam, listen. He refused to tell me for the longest time. Why do you think I waited so long to call you again? I had to regain Bobby's trust Sam. I had to show him that I wanted to see you boys for the right reasons, that I wanted to help Dean.

Sam had finally cooled off enough to the point where his father's voice wasn't the only thing he could hear. He spun around as his brother's frightful voice echoed through his brain.

Dean was standing in the doorway, his face a reflection of horror and worry. He seemed caught between running out to Sam or staying in the safety of the cabin. Shit, shit, shit! Dean had never said it out loud but it was obvious that he feared being left alone with a vengeance. It was evident in the way he walked close to Sam and always needed him in either eyesight or earshot. If Sam ventured too far away Dean would follow, making up a lame excuse on why he needed to do so. Now that Dean was out in the real world and not in the security of the rehab center, he didn't feel safe anymore.

Keep Dean out of the dark and stay with him at all times. Those were the two things Sam had told himself Dean needed. Two simple things Sam had to do for Dean and he couldn't even do those right. What a piece of crap brother he was.

Sam didn't even bother replying to John as he sprinted back to the cabin and up to his shaking brother, placing his hands on Dean's shoulders. Up close, Dean looked even more terrified and Sam realized that he had been close to going into a panic attack. With Sam just running out like that, who knew what Dean had thought?

"Dean." Sam tried to keep his voice light and calm, something the rehab center had told him to do in times like these. It was hard to do with John's voice coming frantically from the phone, but Sam did his best to ignore it. "Hey, it's okay. I'm right here Dean. I'm not going anywhere. I'm sorry."

Dean looked up at Sam with wide, hurt eyes and Sam pulled him into a hug, not expecting Dean to hug him back, but needing to comfort his brother nonetheless. He was shocked by his brother once again though when Dean hugged him back after a moment, tight. Very tight.

"Don't." Dean whispered and while it was quiet, it sure was powerful.

"Don't what?"

"Don't you leave me."

Both brothers pulled away at the same time. Dean was staring into Sam's eyes, looking for any sign that he might be lying.

"I wasn't leaving you Dean. God, not even close. I'm sorry I ran out like that, I wasn't thinking straight after I saw who called me."

Dean's eyes widened as he took a step back, understanding as he rubbed the back of his neck, his cheeks turning red with embarrassment. "That makes sense then. Why you took out like a bat outta Hell, didn't want me to know, eh?"

"I was going to tell you. I just wanted to know what he wanted first. I didn't want you to be stressed out."

Dean looked at him expectantly, and if Sam didn't witness it himself he never would have guessed Dean had been so shaken up just a minute before. His brother had always been an array of ever changing emotions.

"So...what did he want?"

Sam's mind went blank for a while until he remembered he never finished talking to John. "Crap, I left him on the phone. I'll see if he's still on." This time Sam walked over to the old bench swing on the porch and motioned for Dean to sit next to him. "I shouldn't hide anything from you. If he wants to talk, he can talk to the both of us."

Dean nodded and sat down; he agreed but seemed slightly scared of what John had to say. Sam didn't blame him, John was completely unpredictable.

Sam took a deep breath, spared a quick glance with Dean before turning the phone on speaker.

"Dad, Dean's with me. Whatever you need to say you can say it to him too."

Sam took a deep breath, spared a quick glance with Dean before turning the phone on speaker.

"Dad, Dean's with me. Whatever you need to say you can say it to him too."

"What just happened? Why did you stop talking?" John seemed concerned but Sam wasn't about to tell him the truth.

"Nothing, I was just talking to Dean...." He started when he was interrupted by his brother.

"I had a panic attack." Dean stated simply, his voice sounding strong and didn't waver. Sam stared back at him with bug-like eyes, silently asking Dean why the hell he would admit that to John of all people.

Dean just looked back with a smirk. Telling Sam with just that simple smile alone that he wasn't going to let anything John said affect him anymore, that he was able to stand up for himself this time around. When John kicked Dean out that day, it really struck a cord within his brother, broke that once untouchable bond he had with their father. It really opened up Dean's eyes and showed him that their father wasn't the man he thought he was.

"You...Dean..." John seemed shocked to hear his eldest son's voice, his voice cracking at the end. "Dean....it's so good to hear your voice son. I...what happened? Why did you get a panic attack?"

Dean glanced at Sam and sat back in the swing, letting the whole truth come out. "I don't like being left alone. I freak out. Sam left the room when he answered the phone and I panicked."

Both brothers heard John sigh at the other end. He knew very that he had caused so much pain to his eldest when he locked him out and refused to let Dean travel with him. Basically he left Dean to rot just because he was broken, just because he needed some extra help.

"Dean, I'm so sorry...."

"Stop." Dean said in a stubborn tone, sitting up straight now. "Don't you dare apologize over the phone. If anything you at least owe me the satisfaction of saying it to my face. That is...if you really mean it."

"Dean...."

"You know I can never forgive you for what you did to me, right? I'm your son, not just some piece of junk you can throw out with the garbage when I don't work right anymore. Do you have any idea how lost and scared I was? I needed you Dad...the only time I ever needed something from you and you fucking _disown _me."

"I didn't disown you, I..."

"You kicked me out and told me not to come back until I had my head on straight! How is that not disowning me? Dad, I was raped! And you just....abandoned me..." Dean sighed then, suddenly seeming tired and turned away from the phone.

"Dean, I'll never be able to forgive myself for what I did to you either. I was selfish, automatically thinking you were drinking to escape from the hunt. But you know what, who cares if you did that? It shouldn't matter what you do at all, I should be there to help and support you. I was...I am too obsessed with catching this demon that I have been pushing my sons away...for what reason I don't know. I was becoming a different person and I almost lost myself. I never imagined I could be so cruel. But Dean, I have changed. I really have and I'm so sorry son, and I will say it to your face. I...I love you Dean, I love both of you."

Sam took a deep breath and looked over at his brother. Dean was running a hand down his face and over his stubble, eyes shut tight. Sam could just imagine how confusing all this would be. He put a hand on his brother's shoulder and gently rubbed it.

"Dad, how about you just get here, and then we can talk."

Sam heard John swallow. "Okay, okay. I'll see you boys soon."

* * *

That night Sam woke up screaming, convinced that Ashley's hands were still around his neck, hearing her threats to rape and torture him echo in his head. He opened his eyes but the room seemed to spin around him. Suddenly feeling sick, he stumbled out of bed, only making it a few feet before he crashed to the ground.

Or at least he thought so. Something was holding him up that prevented him from landing face first on the wooden floor. Sam swallowed; trying to calm his nausea until Ashley's voice finally faded and was replaced by Dean's.

"It's alright Sammy, I've got you. You're safe."

Immediately Sam felt himself calm down at the comforting and familiar sound of his big brother.

"Dean?" Sam croaked out as he was helped back onto his bed.

"No, it's Santa Claus. Who else would it be?" Dean said with a smile in his voice and then patted Sam's shoulder. "You sound like crap. I'll be right back; I'm going to get you a glass of water."

Sam followed Dean's form as he walked into the kitchen. He smiled, no matter how different Dean might be, being a big brother still came first and that would never change.

* * *

The next day the brothers stood side by side, waiting for John to meet them in about five minutes. Sam had expected Dean to be a nervous jittery mess since the moment he got up, but that hadn't been the case at all. Dean had woken up, asked Sam to cut his hair for him (he claimed it was getting too much on the girly side for his liking). Yet Dean kept the stubble on his face, the reason for that Sam had learned just a few days ago. Sam had finally gained the courage to ask Dean about it and his brother just shrugged. He said he wanted a bit of a change, and he didn't want to look like the same person that had been the victim of the attacks. Dean had said something about wanting a complete fresh new start. Sam thought maybe Dean was re-inventing himself, becoming the person he was always meant to be, not John's soldier and loyal son.

All this thinking caused Sam to ask a question.

"So I'm curious. After he apologizes, and if he's genuine about it...you're not going to forgive him...are you?"

Dean turned to face him with wide, confused eyes. "Of course I'm going to forgive him, why wouldn't I?"

"Dean, you said it yourself! He left you to rot! I can't believe you'd..."

"Sammy." Dean cut him off with a stern look. "I'm not happy with him, and I'm never going to be okay with what he did. But if he's truly sorry then of course I'll forgive him. We're family and you can't keep pushing family away or then you're left with nothing. That's something you've got to realize, kiddo."

"Don't call me kiddo." Sam grunted in response. But he realized Dean was right. He had to learn to face his problems and solve them like Dean always did instead of running away. It was hard though when so many questions lay unanswered; it was so much easier to run away than to face the truth. Like how would John react? How well would Dean be able to handle hunting again? How would he deal when he was around alcohol?

But as John pulled up the path, Sam spared another glance at his big brother, standing tall and confident at his side, and knew that no matter what, they could get through anything together.


End file.
